I found the song! The song that captures my mantra. Sure he changed "beautiful" to "wonderful", but he didn't want to steal my phrase... ;)
Each lyric is full of meaning yet simple. As is life. We need to cherish all experiences, the positive and the negative, because "it takes the one to have the other."
So, without further ado, here is the wonderful live recording of Life is Wonderful by Jason Mraz:
It takes a crane to build a crane It takes two floors to make a story It takes an egg to make a hen It takes a hen to make an egg There is no end to what I'm saying
It takes a thought to make a word And it takes some words to make an action It takes some work to make it work It takes some good to make it hurt It takes some bad for satisfaction
La la la la la la la life is wonderful Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful Al la la la la
It takes a night to make it dawn And it takes a day to make you yawn brother And it takes some old to make you young It takes some cold to know the sun It takes the one to have the other
And it takes no time to fall in love But it takes you years to know what love is It takes some fears to make you trust It takes those tears to make it rust It takes the dust to have it polished
(Chorus)
It takes some silence to make sound It takes a loss before you found it And it takes a road to go nowhere It takes a toll to make you care It takes a hole to make a mountain
Recently, a friend reminded me of another song that was a favorite of mine when I was young: The Rainbow Connection. I haven't listened to that song for many years, and hearing it again brought back the sense of self that I discovered at eight years old. Connections. Relationships. That is how my view of the world is ordered. It is where I find meaning. And where I understand my self, my strengths, my weaknesses.
Now that I have learned so much about personality theory, I see how this way of being is a function of my personality type. As an INFJ, my dominant thinking process is Ni (introverted intuiting). Ni is the process that searches for connections and relationships, then uses that information to predict, enlighten, or transform (it is a future-oriented way of thinking). I find meaning and purpose in this structure or vision. Everything is interconnected, and once I can define the qualities of a connection I can intuit the future and understand the present. My Fe (the decision making process) uses the intuited info, passes it through the lens of extroverted feeling (considering others and the group, how can I best facilitate harmony and connection…) and I make a decision on which to act.
So, what is relationship? Listening to the Rainbow Connection reminded me of a common problem between people.
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, And rainbows have nothing to hide.
Relationships are illusions. They aren't tangible. We can't touch them. And the only way we know they exist is when a behavior causes a ripple. Everything and everyone that feels that ripple can be certain that they share a connection with the person that generated the ripple. So, a relationship can only be known with certainty when there is change. But what is the relationship? The definition or quality of a relationship can only be defined by the two who are connected. No one on the outside can precisely describe it. And even the participants' definitions can differ greatly from each other. So what is the truth of this connection if it can only be defined inaccurately by each side? The truth is different for each party (and many of those differences can be explained by personality theory). "Relationship" therefore, is an illusion.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it I know they're wrong, wait and see. Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, The lovers, the dreamers and me.
I'd love to know what Kermit "knows" that gives him the confidence that there is a truth where there is a connection. I used to think I knew (my Ni in action!). But that was before I learned that there are ways of thinking that my brain would never have generated on its own. I was egotistical (in the sense that all children are egotistical until they develop enough abstract thought to see others as separate from themselves.)
Now I see how every relationship in my world (in the form that I believe it to be) exists only in my mind. But there are truly connections. That can't be disputed. I feel those ripples every day. And others around me tell me that they feel the ripples that I generate. Is it enough to believe that a relationship is what I believe it is? No, because that's only half the truth. How does the other person define our connection? And when they describe the connection, are they using words that hold different meanings in their way of thinking than in mine? When I hear their description I still have to decipher the meaning using my knowledge of their way of thinking, their personality type, their values and priorities. Ack!! This is hard work! No wonder there is so much confusion and disagreement between people.
How important is it to understand how someone else defines my connection to them? As long as it gives them meaning and pleasure (I'd like to not be the source of unhappiness!), maybe our connection can exist without further definition.
But, I think, when a connection starts to grow or change, it is important for both parties to understand the other's definition. Because if the change holds different significance, or alters each person's definition in a different way, then there will be confusion. So then what protects the connection? Should it be protected?
I am an Idealist-- one of Kermit's dreamers. I want to find that there is a universal "rainbow" connection. I think that our shared human desire to have connections or relationships is the universal truth. But everything else-- what the relationship means, how it is protected, the priority or significance that it is given-- are all illusion, created by each individual. And the best way to avoid confusion and pain is to share our thoughts, agree on a definition that works for both, and continually revise it together. In other words, we need to work together consciously to create and define a relationship that will be what both desire.
(Don't tell my fellow Idealists, but to quote Vernon Dursley from Harry Potter: "There's no such thing as magic!" Nothing just happens unless we make it happen. But it sure is wonderful when what we create feels like magic!)
Do you set the mood? No, I don't mean with candles, flowers, and soft music. I don't mean setting the mood for others. I'm talking about consciously setting your internal mood.
When I was entering my teen years, my Dad habitually woke my brother and I with his rendition of the bugle song: "Oh how I hate to get up in the morning! Oh, how I'd rather remain in bed…" At some point in those teen years I remember thinking what a stupid song that was to start the day with. I didn't want to begin the day hating the fact that I was awake. So I began a habit of singing my own tune in my mind. The first was:
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay My, oh my, what a wonderful day Plenty of sunshine headin' my way Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay
(It's impossible to sing that song without smiling-- I dare you to try.) Later, when my obsession with the Beatles began, this was my wake-up song:
I also ended each day by listing in my mind all the people who I was most grateful for. Granted, the list was recited by rote memory, but nevertheless, it worked. I always fell asleep with a sense of belonging and peace because I felt fortunate to have people to love.
Sometime as I was entering adulthood, getting married, and finishing my education, I stopped. I no longer set the mood. In the early years of my career I tried to affect a similar start to the morning. As I believe happens with most professions, the first year or so was particularly challenging because my clinical skills were still developing. So starting the day on a positive note was essential. I remember creating a positive mood with little details. Perhaps I had a new pair of socks to wear, or a favorite cereal that I hadn't bought in some time. Sometimes I would treat myself to a cup of tea (which I didn't usually leave time for). Or I would look forward to something planned later in the day. Then, as my career became second nature, those efforts fell away.
Now as I reflect on my past, I marvel at how wise I was during my teen years. (Oh no! Does that mean that I'm developing backwards?! Ha!) How lucky we are to be human. Really! We can change our mood consciously. We can turn on the brain chemistry that makes us feel good by simply having a thought. We don't have to react to our environment. We can create our environment.
And I have to say it now It's been a good life all in all It's really fine To have a chance to hang around And lie there by the fire And watch the evening tire While all my friends and my old lady Sit and pass the pipe around
And talk of poems and prayers and promises And things that we believe in How sweet it is to love someone How right it is to care How long it's been since yesterday And what about tomorrow And what about our dreams And all the memories we share
~~ Poems, Prayers, and Promises by John Denver
When I was nine, my babysitter gave me a 45 (that's a record, for those of you born after 1985) of John Denver's Take Me Home, Country Roads (apparently I sang it so often she got annoyed….) On the flip side was a little song called Poems, Prayers, and Promises. I remember sitting in my basement playroom the first time I listened to that song. At the ripe old age of nine, I sat with tears streaming down my face, reveling in the profundity and wisdom of John's message. It is a good life after all. And I promised myself that I would never allow life's challenges to cloud that perspective.
Now, in midlife, I still tear up when I listen. Because there are so many people who aren't happy despite what they have. Why are we so easily dissatisfied? Interestingly, a study was done in the late 70's in which accident victims, lottery winners, and a control group were polled on their life satisfaction. They found that after an initial period of adjustment (which was marked by elation for the lottery winners and depression for the paraplegics) they returned to their usual level of happiness. In other words, those who accepted and found positives in life beforehand, continued to do so. And complainers continued to be complainers.
I've recently found two new pearls of wisdom in The Science of Happiness by Stefan Klein, PhD. First, it's not enough to be happy-- we need to be aware of our happiness. My mother always said we need to count our blessings… science now says that she was right (LOL-- don't tell her that… she already says "told you so" more often than I'd like.) An Italian psychiatrist developed "Well-Being Therapy" to use with depressed patients. He asked them to keep a happiness diary in which they described in detail any happy moment in their day as well as their feelings. It was very successful-- after ten weeks their depression had lifted. When we keep track of positive moments our attention is brought to what makes us happy. And putting it in writing prevents our brain from diminishing the moment or dismissing the happiness later.
And the other bit I learned is that we are programmed to want everything (ack!-- we're doomed!). And, of most interest, the anticipation of something is far more powerful than the pleasure when we receive it. Apparently, when a reward is in sight, certain dopamine neurons fire like crazy so we experience pleasure. This was first demonstrated with monkeys, and later with humans. Monkeys were given apples. The sight of the apples started the neurons firing. Then, researchers lit a lamp before presenting the apples. Soon, the neurons started firing when the lamp was lit. But when an apple was offered, the neurons stopped firing. It's not the reward, but the expectation that gives us pleasure. So, we could lead a perfect life and still be unhappy… because we get bored. It seems to me that the best way to prevent this is to add variety to our lives. Studies have also shown that we don't have to increase the stimulation or constantly feel the need to raise the bar, because the memory of our expectation response isn't very long. Instead, we just need to rotate our sources of pleasure. (In other words, don't get into a rut!) Happiness doesn't come from getting something new. It comes from spicing up what we already have.
So go put a new spin on an old activity, surprise someone you love, try something that you haven't done in years. Maybe we can create happiness with what is already in our lives.
I only want you to see My favorite part of me And not my ugly side Not my ugly side
So calm... and now it's dark I look for you to light my heart I'm in between the moon and where you are I know... I can't be far
~Ugly Side, by Blue October
Though this song is about the fear of vulnerability, the last stanza reminded me of how much personality type can affect our relationships. How often do we feel that struggle to connect with another? When understanding seems to be mutual, yet you sense a faint misinterpretation? As if the other person came from a parallel planet where everything looks the same but something just feels off. Or perhaps you both reach the same conclusions, but the path to get there is strikingly different.
These differences in two seemingly compatible people fascinate me. We are all human, yet the way our brain works can be very different. We each have a unique perspective, a unique way of processing our world.
Or do we? According to leading personality theories, there are just 16 "types." Whoa! I'm not unique? Actually, each of us is unique because of our rich experiences and memories. But the way our brain deals with the world, makes decisions, and decides on actions is shared by others of the same "type."
When two people of the same type come together they speak the same language. They understand each other's way of thinking. But, they are limited by their shared type--they don't have the opportunity to learn a new perspective from each other. And I can tell you from personal experience, there is nothing more eye-opening and exciting than suddenly seeing the world from a new perspective. A perspective that you were previously unable to even conceive of, let alone understand.
Want to know more? I'm going to continue this as an ongoing series. In the next personality post I'll invite you to discover your "type" and share it with us-- I have a few predictions regarding that....
(PS-- If any of you recognized that song from Stephenie Meyers' playlist... yes I am a Twilight fan also!)
