Life is Beautiful

Illusion

2011-03-09T09:37:00.004-05:00

Friendship, love
it's all an illusion

No one really wants to connect with me

Trust is useless
unless I like the pain

I can't pretend there's no pain anymore

I only exist in my mind
no one else sees

So what's the point?

(I purposely disabled comments because I just wanted this moment to be captured for myself. But if anyone is concerned, thank you!! :), and see my response to Charles' last comment in my previous post.)

Turtle Wisdom, part 2: Reliable Membership

2010-03-17T20:00:00.008-04:00

(This is part 2 of my Turtle Wisdom series, exploring the Map of Relationships on Al Turtle’s website.)
Back to the introduction.

Previously, I explored the first skill on Al Turtle’s Map of Relationships: Safety. Today I’m going to look at the second piece of the Biological Dream, which he calls “Reliable Membership”.

Al says, “All humans require reliable, sufficient and not excessive, contact with other humans.”

Humans are social animals. We need to live in a herd to increase our survivability. I think we can all agree that this is a biological requirement for children up to a certain age (Al suggests age 7 or 8). And in adulthood there is still a biological drive for connection, although it can be overridden by a history of unpleasant social experiences. For example, as Al notes, people become hermits when they’ve repeatedly experienced unpleasantness when trying to connect with others.

But since survival is the primary biological goal, our brains evolved circuitry for social behavior. This circuitry is mainly located in the area of the brain called the limbic system, which as you may recall from my previous post, is located in the “midbrain”—right on top of the Lizard! (If you are just joining us, go back here to learn about your Lizard.)

The significance of this location is that the neural connections between our need to connect with others and our panic button (fight or flight reaction) are very short and very quick. In other words, any threats to our need for social connection are seen quickly and clearly by the Lizard. And we know what happens when our Lizard is activated!

How much connection do we require?

All people are basically the same in that we have this biological drive to live with others. But we differ in the amount of connection we require. Al draws from attachment theory to posit that the amount of connection we each find comfortable is formed in childhood. Our childhood experience with connection ranges from “absolute unreliability or insufficiency of connection to absolute excessive connection.” We are all located somewhere on that continuum. Al also notes that as we grow our required amount of contact may change, so we could move up or down this continuum.

Al labels the behaviors that result from our differing needs for connection “clinging” and “avoiding.”* And, he outlines the differences beautifully in this chart (I have paraphrased some for brevity):

Clingers: Received Unreliable or Insufficient Contact in Childhood

Children who got too little or intermittent connection from caregivers have very active Lizards—they panic. They survive by developing Clinging skills: staying close, holding on, resisting separation. These survival skills of clinging and pursuing, driven by panic, become habits and follow the child into adulthood.

Reactive Behavior
When these adults panic, they move toward others, especially their partner. They ask questions, follow, push toward, talk at, and in general become invasive of their partner’s space. As an adult clinging may become very controlling, possessing, captivating, cornering. This is the source of stalking behavior.

Symptom
Frequent thoughts or fears of your partner leaving you behind.

Focus
When nervous, you will focus on your partner’s evasiveness, withdrawal, silence. You may also have day or night dreams of safe togetherness – of finally living happily forever.

Avoiders: Received Excessive or Unpleasant Contact in Childhood

Children who experience too much or painful contact also have active Lizards—they panic. They survive by developing Avoiding skills. These are behaviors that do not invite contact. Even when hungry these children don’t cry. We often call them “good babies,” but really they are happier when left alone. As these children grow, when they can walk, they develop isolating skills, such as having hiding places, wandering off, climbing trees and not coming down, running away, sitting at the far end of the room, etc. These survival skills of avoiding and isolating, driven by panic, become habits and follow the child into adulthood.

Reactive Behavior
When these adults panic, they move away from others, especially their partner. They are quiet, self-contained, elusive, non-talkative, and in general, emotionally cold.

Symptom
Your mind often goes blank when your partner talks, asks, or moves toward you.

Focus
When nervous, you will focus on your partner’s invasiveness, attacking, pushing, and you may dream of peace, quiet, and space.

Like Al, I prefer to not label people Clingers and Avoiders. Rather, people display clinging and avoiding behaviors. It is an important distinction because we can become clinging or avoiding at different times in our lives and within different relationships. (In this post, however, I will use "Clingers" and "Avoiders" for convenience when explaining the differences.)

Often we respond in reaction to the person we are with, usually taking on the opposite role. I tend to be clinging in my marriage (in response to Jason’s avoiding tendencies), but I once had a boyfriend who was somewhat smothering and I remember developing some strong avoiding behaviors to get the space I desired. This also works with friendships. As a child, I remember so strongly desiring friendship with a particular girl that I became very clinging, always calling her, asking her to come out to play. And I had another friend in high school who was so clinging with me, that I began hesitating before returning her calls, and I stopped inviting her along every time my friends got together.

But I agree with Al that we seem to have a natural tendency towards one side of the continuum as a result of childhood experiences (attachment theory) and in-born traits (personality theory). I can see how introverting vs. extraverting preferences could have some effect on this. I think the most important factor, however, that determines a person’s general position on the continuum is what activates their Lizard. Do you feel more unsafe or panicked when there is a threat of isolation, or do you feel more unsafe and panicked when there is a threat of overwhelming and unpleasant contact?

Let’s look at what all of this means for relationships.

The Problem

“When a Clinging person gets nervous, they tend to move toward their partner in order to reduce their panic. The Avoiding partner sees someone coming and, starting to panic, they move away. The Clinger sees their partner moving away, and moves faster. The Avoider runs faster from the clinging person, who is now chasing them. The two run toward what I call the Leaving Wall, the wall at the edge of the relationship – the Divorce Wall.”
~Al Turtle

A Clinger is scared of their partner leaving. They panic when their partner says things like, “I can’t take this anymore” or “I need to get away.” When panicked, Clingers often visualize their partner divorcing them, having an affair, or dying, etc. They then try to protect themselves by trying to get more connection. Which, of course, pushes an avoiding partner further away.

Remember:

For an Avoider, leaving is a move towards safety. Instead, what scares them is the lack of space in a relationship. Avoiders often see contact as conflict. When panicked, they will move towards leaving a relationship if there is no built in safe space within the relationship.

Skills for Relationships

1. Create safe space within the relationship by learning how to take Time Outs. (Al gives specifics about Time Outs here.)

2. Clingers need to learn to be happy when alone and learn to switch to the on-your-own mode quickly.

3. Clingers often need to find other sources of connection in the world. But, and as Al says “this is a big but,” you can’t draw on sources that would threaten your partner. So build a network of friends, join volunteer organizations, keep pets, etc. And learn to shift from connecting with your partner to alone-mode, to friends, and back to your partner quickly, keeping the connection time with your partner the highest priority.

4. Avoiders need to learn to anticipate their need for space, and signal their partner when they need a Time Out.

5. Avoiders need to tend to their partner’s need for reliability by showing that their need for space is not a move towards leaving. Often, simply stating when you’ll return is enough to keep your partner calm. For example, “I need a time out—I’ll be in the garage for about two hours.” Or “I’d really like to read my book now, I’ll come back downstairs at 10:00 and we can talk about the kids then.” Al calls this Relationship Responsibility—“You can’t blame your partner for your need for space. You have to come back.”

And one last note. When in the midst of a clinging/avoiding event (when both lizards are panicked and the clinging partner begins chasing the avoiding partner who is sprinting towards the door) it is very important for the clinging partner to take the lead. Ideally, Clingers need to learn to call a Time Out for the Avoider, before the Avoider even realizes that they need it. This is because panic causes a Clinger to activate and an Avoider to shut-down. The frozen Avoider cannot call a Time Out when their brain has shut down. Al has a wonderful essay explaining this idea which he calls The Testicle Principle (even just finding out why he chose this name makes the essay well worth the read!)

So, that’s the second step on the Map. We’ve now explored the first two steps towards Vintage Love: learning to live with your Lizards and understanding each others’ needs for reliable connection. Interestingly, these are both unconscious aspects of the Biological Dream. The Lizard acts without our conscious control, and our need for connection is a hard-wired drive.

The next three skills on the Map are conscious: diversity, autonomy, and purpose. At first I thought that these would be the easy ones. That I have already learned good skills to maintain these aspects in my relationships. Boy, was I surprised!

Just wait…
:)

* This concept was first discussed by Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago Relationship Therapy. He used the terms “fusers and isolaters.”

Turtle Bites

2010-03-10T16:15:00.001-05:00

(photo found in google image search, photographer unknown)

While I’m working on making the next post in my series on The Map of Relationships intelligible, I thought I’d share a couple Al Turtle quotes.

Just some food for thought. (And a bit of a glimpse into the future of this series of posts.)

Some of Al’s definitions:

Bully (original version)-- A person who wants their way and when they don’t get their way, they make other people unhappy.

Bully (Al’s new version)-- A person who wants their vision of reality, their interpretation of reality, to be the only surviving interpretation of reality, and they want other people to not talk about disagreeing.

Leader-- A true leader is a person who does not allow anyone to be disrespected in his or her presence. Also, a person who maintains dialogical space when not making a decision.

Dialogical-- sharing points of view peacefully.

Dialogue-- 1) Any sentence that implies the existence of multiple points of view of reality. 2) A conversation in which both are comfortably sharing their differing ways of seeing and appreciating the world.

MasterTalk (the opposite of Dialogue)-- Any sentence that implies there is a single correct way of seeing reality. “It is warm.”

Some of Al’s One-Liners:

All people make sense all the time.

If two people are agreeing, at least one of them is lying.

All people are chronically disobedient… learn to live with it.

Falling in love is an invitation to the brilliance of being fully alive.

Divorce that old relationship. Don't divorce your partner.

You can either be "right" or in "relationship". Take your pick.

Your stuff is never my fault. And I care about you. So how can I help you with your stuff?

What is madness but nobility of soul at odds with circumstance.

I just love the way this guy thinks! I hope you are finding his ideas just as thought-provoking as I do.

I’ll be back very soon with the next post in the series….

Safety and Getting to Know Your Lizard

2010-03-03T16:15:00.002-05:00

(This is part 1 of a series called Turtle Wisdom, exploring the Map of Relationships on Al Turtle’s website. Go back to my introduction here, if you are just joining us.)

Is your relationship a place of safety? Does your blood pressure drop and you go “ahhhhh” when you hear you partner’s car turn into the driveway? Are you a source of safety to your children?

I think we can all agree that safety is the basis of any healthy relationship. And it is particularly important in our intimate relationships. So, let’s explore what it means to feel safe.

I think we can all agree that we are hard-wired to seek physical safety. If we didn’t seek safety we could often find ourselves in places of danger. And that’s not a place that has a high rate of survival.

We share this survival instinct with other mammals, reptiles, and birds. It is a simple mechanism with just two modes: safe or about-to-die. I’m sure you know what happens when we sense a threat. We call it the fight or flight response. Adrenaline floods your body in an instant. Your blood pressure rises, your heart beats faster, muscles are primed and all energy is diverted from other systems. Digestion stops, thoughts cease, peripheral vision goes dark, sexual response is turned off, and the immune system is suppressed. Your body prepares to fight, flee, submit, or freeze.

What’s interesting is that most of us have never been in a life-threatening situation. Yet we experience this reaction quite often, especially when interacting with another person. So why do we experience this reaction when there is no apparent physical threat? And what does any of this have to do with lizards?

I love how Al Turtle answers these questions. He calls our survival mechanism “the Lizard.”

The Lizard

The Lizard lives in your brain. It is found in the deepest, most primitive section of your brain which is often called the reptilian brain (hence, Al’s choice of name). The Lizard controls automatic functions (such as breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure), survival functions (fight or flight responses), has no sense of time, and needs no relationship, no need for community. It’s job is to keep you alive.

We trust our Lizard to keep our heart beating and our lungs breathing. This sense of trust is remarkable—think of the comfort you feel when falling asleep. We don’t worry about keeping our heart beating because we know that our Lizard is handling it. We feel safe when our Lizard is calm. As Al says, “Safety is a physical state of relaxation characterized by inactivity of the brain’s survival mechanism—the Lizard. This state is visible and measurable. It is often characterized by play and fun, playful mating, nurturing, loving, and caring behaviors, or creative activities.”

When the Lizard senses a threat, it becomes active to protect you. It switches out of safe mode and turns on the fight or flight response. I think it’s important to note that when your Lizard is active it is impossible to engage in the above “calm Lizard behaviors.”

So let’s review what a bothered Lizard looks like. In animals, these behaviors are clear, easy to recognize. Fighting is a physical fight until all threat is gone. Fleeing is physically running away from the threat. Submitting is when they roll over or back down and relinquish dominance. And freezing is when they become motionless in the hope that the predator will not see them.

But in humans these behaviors are often less obvious. This is because our brain has two additional layers on top of the reptilian brain. Above the Lizard is the mammalian addition, or limbic system. It gives us emotions such as joy and grief and our need to live in a community. And the top layer is the primate addition, the cortex, which is basically a huge, efficient hard-drive. It’s function is data storage (memory) and abstract thinking.

Since the Lizard is buried deep in our cranium, it can’t see the outside world very clearly. It mostly sees what the cortex is doing. And the cortex is busy making sense of the outside world by associating input with the stored data/memories. So the Lizard reacts to internal associations and imaginations more often than actual reality. Remember, the Lizard is a pretty simple creature. It sees things in black and white: either we are safe or we are about to die. And, it doesn’t pause to separate real threats from imagined threats. (Such a pause would have led to extinction millennia ago.) This is why we experience the fight or flight response in the absence of a real threat. How often do we see others react in strange ways when there is no apparent threat or reason to feel unsafe?! When we see these strange reactions we are seeing their Lizard.

As Al Turtle explains, “Interestingly, the Lizard reacts if the normal functions of other parts of the brain are threatened. If the mid-brain’s need for community is threatened, the Lizard reacts in survival mode. While the mid-brain is producing the emotion of loneliness, the Lizard may initiate panic and fighting behavior to make sure that you are not left alone. If the primate brain’s need for diversity or difference is threatened, the Lizard may avoid contact – freeze or flee. If the primate brain’s autonomous behavior is threatened, the Lizard may begin submitting behavior.”

A personal example is that when someone speaks to me in the tone of voice that my father used when he was unhappy with me, my Lizard reacts. Sometimes, simply being in the presence of an authority figure wakens my Lizard. No threat present, but dang if I don’t shut down into a freezing behavior.

Here are some other examples of human responses.

Active Lizard Behaviors:

Fighting-- Can be physical or verbal, such as arguing, controlling, actively manipulating.

Fleeing-- Getting away, staying at the office extra hours, or escaping into cyberspace when sitting next to your partner on the sofa (when your lizard is active, not when you are enjoying quiet companionship.) Changing the subject. Hiding behind a newspaper.

Submitting-- Saying yes when you mean no, or agreeing when you don’t (“Okay, fine. It’s fine.”) Doing something you don’t want to be doing. Many people are taught to submit. This is the core of codependence: making submitting a permanent behavior rather than a temporary stress response.

Freezing-- Shutting down, doing nothing, or not dealing with an issue. Becoming motionless or invisible (as students do when the teacher asks a difficult question). Any attempts to avoid being direct, such as passive lying (withholding), asking “what do you want to do?” or responding with “I don’t know.”

As you can see, most of our active lizard behaviors are triggered by interactions with others. So let’s go back to the first question in this post. Is your relationship a place of safety?

Lizards in Relationship

We now know that feeling safe means having a calm Lizard. And we listed what calm Lizard behaviors look like. But I’d bet that the majority of couples spend more time in active Lizard mode than they’d like. In fact, Al says many people live with their Lizards active all of the time that they are in relationship. Only when they are alone do they feel safe. And that some Lizards never go to sleep. Their owners live in a state we call chronic stress.

Clearly, establishing a zone of safety is one of the most important skills in creating a great relationship.

Skills to create safety:
1. Get to know your Lizard

Learn what bothers it. Learn what soothes it. Train your Lizard to trust your cortex, to pause and consider whether the threat is real or imaginary. And train your cortex to take care of your Lizard rather than letting your Lizard rule your cortex. Be aware of thought patterns which bother the Lizard and stop thinking them.

2. Get to know your partner’s Lizard

Become a source of safety to your partner’s Lizard. Notice when your partner’s Lizard is bothered. The signs of increased blood pressure are visible, pay attention. Look for those active Lizard behaviors. Remember that when Lizards are active you are talking to a Lizard, not your partner. Ask them what you can do to make them feel safer. Never tell a Lizard that the threat isn’t real. It’s real to them. And you’ll become a threat if you seem to be saying that they are “crazy.” (Think of how often people tell children “there is nothing to fear, so stop crying”!) If one person says they are scared and the other says there’s nothing dangerous here, that person now becomes a source of danger because they are rejecting their partner’s need for safety.

3. Learn how to take Time-Outs.

You can’t stop a Lizard. Lizards react extremely quickly. They flood the body with adrenaline at the slightest hint of threat. And, it takes a minimum of 20 minutes for the Lizard to calm down (or for the adrenaline to leave the bloodstream.) If you see your partner’s Lizard become active, stop everything and call a Time Out. Al lists specific rules (here) to ensure it is a Time Out within the relationship, not an exit from the relationship, because many Lizards react when it sounds like their partner is trying to leave the relationship. (My Lizard hates this. I’ll explore why in a future post.)

4. Create lists of caring behaviors

Discover and share what makes each other’s Lizard happy. Be specific about behaviors that your partner can do which make you feel safe. Al gives examples on his website, here.

5. Share everything

Lizards love predictive information and reliability. We strive to understand ourselves and our partner’s actions (why do you do that?) because it keeps our Lizard calm. Lizards don’t like surprises.

Another note from Al:

“Many of us were taught that if you can’t say something nice don’t say it—this is crazy. You are trying to make someone feel safe by lying or withholding information. You do it because you don’t feel safe telling the truth. If you lie to make your partner feel safe, you make your partner twice as unsafe. Our culture says if you don’t talk about something it’s not there. But in an intimate relationship, if you don’t talk about something it gives it more power.”

This is why it’s important to share everything (but sharing needs to be done nicely, with good timing—best to share when Lizards feel safe!)

(I encourage you to explore Al’s website for much more information about the Lizard and how to create safety in your relationship. He’s the expert, I’m just the messenger.)

Next post I’ll explore the second skill on Al’s Map of Relationships: something he calls Reliable Membership.

Turtle Wisdom—a series about being human

2010-02-19T23:20:00.001-05:00

In my last post I shared Al Turtle’s Map of Relationships. His ideas have sparked lots of introspection for me, and I find much wisdom in his approach to understanding human behavior.

I’ve decided to explore myself using Al’s map as a guide and to invite you along! I'll be posting each step of my adventure. Along the way, perhaps you will relate to my thoughts. Perhaps you’ll discover a new perspective because I’m so different from you. Perhaps I’ll even inspire you to embark on your own quest. At the very least, I hope my travels will be entertaining. :)

So here’s the plan. The map says that to get to vintage love you need to do three things:

1. Learn the following Biological Dream skills (and stop using the traditional skills learned in childhood):

a. Safety
b. Reliable membership
c. Diversity
d. Autonomy
e. Purpose

2. Heal wounds

3. Share everything

So my first challenge is to learn about safety. What is Al talking about and what do I need to do?

Have you ever felt fear or pain about something that isn’t real or isn’t actually happening? Sometimes the cause of the fear is easy to find. For example, we can understand why someone would experience a fear reaction every time they smell smoke, if we know that they escaped a house fire in childhood. But why would someone feel unsafe when they smell bleach? Or experience a freezing reaction (mind goes blank, unable to think) whenever their loving, non-abusive partner uses a particular tone of voice? The human fear response can be triggered in situations where there is no actual threat to safety. In fact, some people live in this state of fear 24/7-- we call it chronic stress.

Al Turtle blames these feelings on “the lizard." Do you have a lizard in your brain? Tune in next post to find out. Let’s explore the skill of safety.

On to part 1.

So Scientific!

2010-02-07T12:20:00.002-05:00

Quote from NOAA's (National Weather Center's) forecast discussion for Tuesday night (Feb. 9th):

"MODEL GUIDANCE HAS SOME SCARY-LOOKING PRECIPITATION AMOUNTS BULLS-EYED RIGHT OVER OUR AREA"

Just sayin'...

(photo credit: Dan Urbanski at quietlywild.com)

The Map of Relationships

2010-02-03T19:00:00.000-05:00

(photo shamelessly stolen from the internet, photographer unknown)

Hello, everyone! I am very sorry that I’ve seemed to disappear from the blog world. All is well. It’s just been a case of that pesky Newton’s first law: inertia.

And yes, that body at rest (me not blogging) would have remained at rest without an outside force. :P

Although I’ve been at rest in the blogosphere, I’ve been very active in my head. With my explorations into the meaning of life. Probably another case of inertia… :)

So what is the outside force that nudged me back to blogging? A new podcast series from one of the wisest counselors I’ve ever read. I am so excited about Al Turtle’s relationship wisdom that I just had to share this with all of you.

Anyone who wants to have the “perfect” relationship (romantic or otherwise) has got to listen to Al talk about his “Map of Relationships.”

One of the things that has bothered me for years is the lack of a role model for what makes a healthy relationship. Couples in books, TV shows, and movies all seem to be struggling with their relationships. It makes for good drama, of course. And everyone can relate to the humor, angst, and pain that results. But what does a healthy relationship look like? A healthy, happy couple is rarely depicted. So rare that I don’t have a model in my head of how it would work in reality. I think most of us can describe characteristics that are not part of a healthy relationship. It’s easy to see that it would not involve a power struggle or arguing. And, many of us can quickly and easily point out couples who are not healthy. But what does a healthy couple do? How does it work? It seems that most of us can describe what a perfect relationship would feel like, but I haven’t found anyone who can explain exactly how to achieve it.

Until now.

Al Turtle is an Imago trained couples counselor. He started using the ideas of Imago theory in his practice and in his own marriage years ago. And he found problems. But unlike many counselors who just plod away using the theory without questioning it, Al started taking notes on the problems. And the notes became essays that he filed on his website. And, lucky for us, Al has a unique background and skill set that I would bet is uncommon for therapists. Before he became a counselor, he was trained as an electrical technician in the Navy during the Vietnam war. He likes to fix things. He knows how to analyze and fix problems in a very concrete and practical way. He is also very skilled at drawing charts and maps. So, he was able to bring all of these skills together and create this Map of Relationships.

And now, for the next 6 weeks, he is doing an interview series (podcast) with Laura Lavigne, blog talk show host, to talk about his Relationship Wisdom. The first episode was yesterday.

So, if you have any interest in learning how to achieve “Vintage Love” or even how to improve your parenting skills (yes, really!), listen in— I highly recommend it!

Is Ego a Matter of Anatomy?

2009-11-19T23:25:00.001-05:00

~photo courtesy of Indiana University

Hi everyone! I'm sorry I've been so scarce in the blogosphere lately. In my absence, I've been blown away with the ideas and insights of Eckhart Tolle and Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor (thanks, Janey!!!) Both have written books and can be found in various interviews and videos on the web-- so, I've been spending hours soaking it all up.
:)

As I discussed in my last post, Tolle defines the "ego" as the part of us that thinks with words, the voice in our head. He believes that this voice is not our true self. Rather, we are the presence that hears the voice. And, if we consciously turn off the ego's voice and simply be present and aware of our senses, we will find a simple, open state of peace and joy.

One problem that I have is that Tolle's descriptions can come off as having a spiritual, even religious, feeling. He describes this ego-less state as energy which connects us all. Is it a higher plane of existence? Is it a brush with the divine? No. He's not really saying that at all. But as a probable Idealist (one of Keirsey's temperament types), Tolle has some difficulty nailing down his words in black and white. In a more scientific straight-forwardness. That's where Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor has made a huge contribution.

Dr. Bolte-Taylor is a Harvard-trained neuroanatomist who had a stroke at age 37. And, she remained awake and conscious the entire time and was able to perceive the changes in her brain as they happened! How cool is that?! Her left-sided hemorrhage effectively shut down her entire left hemisphere (language, rational and linear thinking, math skills). So she was living with only the functions of her right brain (intuition, contextual understanding, perception of intonation, spatial skills). She describes the experience in her book My Stroke of Insight.

Check out this incredible video of a talk she gave several years ago:

What I find fascinating, is that when her left hemisphere stopped working, she experienced the awareness of being that Tolle describes. She says that she lost her ego. That her thinking was silenced because the section of the brain that processes language completely shut down.

~excerpt from Oprah's Soul Series radio show (archived at Oprah.com)

So is the ego actually our left hemisphere? It appears so. Our ability to use language seems to be the key to what ego is.

We think in words because we evolved language. And certainly, shared language is a huge advantage for survival. But, this thinking mind is also a bit of a curse.

To think requires words, which are just man-made labels for ideas and concepts. As Tolle teaches, words are just guideposts that point us to the ideas, they are not truth. And this is the curse. Just think of all the thoughts that we have. Aren't we defining our experiences (or limiting them) with thought? And so often, thoughts tend to either amplify emotion or block emotion. This is why some people preach positive thinking as a way to feel happier. But thoughts are not emotions.

Emotion is a physical function. It happens deep in the brain in the amygdala. It is a specific physiologic response that protects us and enhances our survival by, for example, preparing us to fight or flee when fear is triggered, or by creating a desire to attach to a caregiver or loved one when feelings of safety (happiness, joy, etc.) are triggered. Pure emotion (the physiological response) is fleeting. The brain function only lasts from a few minutes to about 20 minutes maximum (for fear and anger). But, thanks to our thinking mind, we continue to experience what we believe is fear or anger for hours, days, even years! In actuality, we trick our brain into triggering the emotional response in the absence of a real life event. By having thoughts. By having an ego that tells us stories.

It's the price we pay for having language.

So, can we stop creating these thought-induced emotional experiences? Yes! As Dr. Bolte-Taylor knows, we can turn off our left-hemisphere. As Tolle teaches, we can silence the ego. And the result is peace, joy, an undefinable (because we can't apply words to it) sense of connection with life. It is pure living, without the curse of false, thought-induced negative emotions.

Dr. Bolte-Taylor calls it Nirvana.

I call it life. And, of course...

Life is Beautiful...
:)

Who I Am

2009-10-15T00:20:00.002-04:00

Currently, I'm reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I've always been curious about books that people claim have changed their lives. And, as you may remember, Oprah was a huge follower of Tolle several years ago. So I decided to see what it was all about.

I am generally a bit skeptical of anything overly spiritual. Although I consider myself spiritual in a sense, I am atheist. And, having studied the hard sciences (biology major) and anthropology in college, I prefer to find physical or rational explanations. That said, I do believe that individuals can affect the quality of their experience in life through thought. And I am always open to hearing how another human has made sense of life, how their thoughts shape their experience. I recognize how my range of thoughts are limited by my individual experience, and I like learning new ways of thinking that I would never have conceived of on my own.

So in this spirit, I started reading A New Earth. And what I found was something fascinating...about me.

First, for those of you who haven't read Tolle, I'll do my best to summarize his ideas as I understand them thus far (I haven't finished the book yet).

Tolle says that a person is comprised of an illusory self which he calls the "ego", and the true self, or "consciousness," which is the presence within you who is hearing the thoughts of the ego. The ego is the speaker who we often think of as "I". But, he asserts that "I" is an illusion because it is given definition through human constructs (such as words). He says, "the greatest miracle is the experiencing of your essential self as prior to any words, thoughts, mental labels, and images. For this to happen you need to disentangle your sense of I, of Beingness, from all the things it has become mixed up with, that is to say, identified with." (A New Earth, page 26.)

This makes sense to me. I have been aware that there is a part of me who can hear myself thinking, that there is indeed a presence separate from and beyond the thoughts in my mind. A presence that doesn't think, it is just aware, it just "is." So, this is my true self listening to my ego. I just didn't define the two so clearly as the "ego" and my "consciousness."

What has amazed me while reading is my realization that I was fully aware of my true self from a very young age.

I remember doing a worksheet in 3rd grade (I was 8) about self identity. We had to answer questions like "my favorite food is...," "my favorite color is...," and "I'm really good at...." It is my first memory of defining my self, comparing myself to others and seeing how I am different. It was my first organized effort to figure out who I am. And I remember having a strong sense of "knowing" things that I couldn't put into words. Clearly, my intuiting function was already well developed. For example, I knew which group of friends the new girl would join upon my first interaction with her. I knew how to change my behavior to fit in with different "types". I had clear visions of how everyone in my world was connected-- I saw the structure of the interrelationships. Some of this was the development of Tolle's ego-- defining myself and the world with words and labels. But I also "knew" that my true self wasn't definable, it just was. And a few years later, that awareness became very strong.

When I was about 14 or 15, I used to wander off into the woods. I had a favorite boulder where I would sit and think. Sometimes I brought a journal. Sometimes I was working through a particular issue in my life (the usual teen situations). And sometimes I just sat to "commune with life" (as I called it then). The forest was filled with white birch trees which I loved, and I would sit and feel like I was one with them. Though my rational mind thought I was a bit bonkers at the time, I was aware of a joy that is beyond description. It was the start of my Life is Beautiful motto. I chose not to analyze it, because it was a source of strength that I knew, even then, was uncommon.

So when I read something in Tolle's book, tears came to my eyes. I felt a sense of validation that I've never felt before. He talks about the "influx of joy" and "inner peace" that fills you when you first experience the separation of the ego self (your thoughts and the content of your mind) from the simple awareness of being. Thoughts are constructs that limit our perceptions. Awareness is not limiting. It just is. This experience "happens in such a subtle way that [people] hardly notice it." (A New Earth, page 30.) This same subtle joy and peace is what came upon me in that forest. The joy of Being can only be felt "when you get out of your head. Being must be felt. It can't be thought." (A New Earth, page 40.)

How is this a strength? I have been told by several people through the years that I have a strength which they admire. In high school, my friends found my optimism curious. They joked about it, but I knew they also wished for the peace that I often felt. In college, my best friend told me I had an amazing "spiritual strength", which I chuckled at because I was on the verge of leaving my faith and embracing atheism. I hadn't considered my way of thinking a strength. To me, it was just the way life is. Just truth, as I saw it. Rational and realistic, not spiritual or some extraordinary ability to see through rosy glasses. And I didn't see myself as "stronger" than anyone else (I still don't.) I've got plenty of weaknesses. So what exactly is my "strength"?

Again, my heart stopped as I read Tolle's discussion on happiness. He says, "the primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral, which always is as it is." (A new Earth, page 96.) And furthermore, he says, "Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it. Unhappiness covers up your natural state of well-being and inner peace, the source of true happiness." (A New Earth, page 96.)

Yes! He has put into words something that I've "known" for all these years, but was unable to explain to others. We all have this ability to become aware of our true essence, by becoming aware of the presence behind our thoughts and emotions. And when we are aware of it, we can't help but sense a deep peace and happiness. Because happiness is our natural state of being, what "is" when we strip away all the thoughts and constructs that we have accumulated through thinking (the ego's function). This was the source of my "strength." I knew how to be free from unhappiness.

There was another reason tears came to my eyes while reading. I realized that at some time through the years I have woefully forgotten to separate my self from my ego. I have fallen into the ego's trap. I have been allowing my thoughts and emotions to define what is, instead of just "being". And as a result, I have caused pain, for myself and others.

So thank you, Eckhart Tolle, for skillfully using words to express what I could not. And for reminding me of who I am.

The Basket Weaver

2009-10-08T15:00:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder who is living my life. The life I always envisioned. I hope that she is enjoying it. It was a lovely picture.

I've been challenged with a different life. And sometimes, like today, I feel lost. Not sure what my life should look like. Not sure which colors and strokes I should, or could, be applying to the canvas. All I know is that I don’t know.

I think of the things I would have done differently. But that's not valuable in the now. As Al Turtle says, "Guilt is time travel. It is putting today's wisdom into yesterday's event-- a time at which you only had yesterday's wisdom." I don't regret any of my choices because I know that I've always used the wisdom that was available to me in each moment.

But lately, I find that I don’t trust that I have any wisdom. I feel like a newborn. My eyes have been opened to a new world. One that was unknown to my past self. So nothing I've learned is useful in this new place. I suppose knowing that I don't know is a start. I am open to anything now. Is this an awakening? Perhaps. Or perhaps it's just my self/ego denying my failings, hiding in some esoteric idea about rebirth.

Sometimes I wonder if my tendency to think and explore ideas is a curse. I tried to have a career in which I helped others. Made life a bit sunnier or easier for others. But even as a student, I learned that I had few skills of practical value. During my apprenticeship my mentor said, "Aine, you're a scholar. But, keep your hands off the clients!"

Sometimes I wish I were a basket weaver. I could sit in the sunshine and create something useful, something that people needed and wanted. Life could be simple. I would be happy.

But I'm cursed with this tendency to think and explore ideas. Which I'm not even very good at. I rarely create my own ideas. I just enjoy exploring the genius of others. Alone.

I've been ignored or even ridiculed by all of my loved ones for my passions. But I don't blame them, my passions are all useless, impractical.

Al Turtle also said, "All humans are geniuses (at something.) Look for it."

I am, Al. I'm still looking.

Perhaps my genius is my ability to hope.

But, it's a curse,too. It makes me feel alone. It's impractical, unpopular, and just plain weird, as I've been told again and again. But that's the one thing I'll never give up.

If only I could weave baskets out of it...

Just a Wee Rant (or What's Buggin' Aine?)

2009-10-01T12:50:00.001-04:00

A few days ago while browsing Yahoo, I (despite my better judgement) clicked on an article about Jon Gosselin. He probably needs no introduction, but for any fellow hermits, he's the wayward husband from reality TV's "Jon & Kate Plus Eight." In the article, a psychologist is quoted saying that Jon's behavior is due to the fact that he was married too young (he was 22), and so he never had an opportunity to sow his oats.

Whoa! Stop. Back up. Did he just say that?

My first thought was: so, 22 is now considered too young to get married, eh? For most of the past 100 years the average age of marriage ranged from 22 to 24 (for men in the USA). Hmmm.

Even so, maybe Jon Gosselin was too immature to use good judgement or make such a big decision (to get married). After all, I know that some human brains are not developmentally mature until 25. That is, they are incapable of processing higher level cognitive functions such as abstract thought, planning, or predicting consequences. This is why we provide parenting and parental guidance through the teen years. To ensure the survival of our genes, we protect our children until they develop all the skills required to make good decisions. Neuroscience tells us that this brain function doesn't reach full maturity until our early to mid-twenties. So, okay-- maybe Jon Gosselin wasn't developmentally able to make a good decision in choosing a life partner at 22.

And now that he is fully adult, he has chosen to not "own" his past decisions. That's his choice. It simply displays his character.

So, why did this article bother me?

Because a professional psychologist just provided an excuse for poor judgement. Perhaps even normalized it.

I suppose, following this thinking, that I should allow my seven year-old to sing songs about poop in her "outdoor voice" in a restaurant. After all, a seven year-old brain is incapable of impulse control, right?

So, I was bothered because this professional therapist validated poor judgement, effectively bypassing the issue of choice and accountability. Shouldn't a professional psychologist be modeling/teaching a healthier approach to situations? I'm not suggesting that he should've judged Jon's behavior based on some moral code, but he could have used the opportunity to discuss choice, accountability, character, and growth.

And this isn't the first professional counselor who has displayed such a lack of professionalism. I know of a situation where a psychologist told a married man (not a client) that it was okay to be unfaithful, that "it's" called DWM-- dating while married. And encouraged this choice as a method of getting needs met. Yikes!!

Why are people becoming so quick to ignore accountability and responsibility? Where are the role models for good choices?

Sorry. Rant over. As you were....

Fun and Games (or Connect Four!)

2009-09-05T21:24:00.000-04:00

(Couldn't resist the continuation of the 4 theme... LOL)

For some reason a memory popped into my head this morning of one of my first therapy clients. So naturally, I decided to share.... :)

When I was a student, one of my term projects involved visiting the home of a disabled person to practice interviewing and building therapeutic rapport. The disabled clients were a group of spinal cord injured patients who, prior to their discharge from a rehab hospital, had signed up to take part in this annual project.

I knew that these willing participants didn't sign up because they desired to be part of the educational experience of young therapy students. And, I doubt that many of them relished the thought of strangers coming into their home to poke and prod into the tragedy that their life had become. They signed up because it was a great way to get continued, free therapy services. So as part of our project, we were to establish one goal that we would work on during our 8-10 visits. That way, the client benefited from our educated creativity (ha!), and we benefited by developing our therapeutic interaction skills.

My client was a young (20 something) African-American man who lived in an undesirable neighborhood of Philadelphia. He was quadriplegic, only able to control his head and neck with a bit of shoulder shrug function, thanks to a gunshot wound. And, he lived with his very supportive mother, girlfriend (also very supportive), and their two young children. I remember thinking to myself, "yikes, how am I going to connect with him?"

First things first, I needed to interview him about his injury. What a way to connect with another human, eh? Turns out there was an unbelievable twist to his tragic story. Embarrassed by my preconceived guesses, I learned that he and his girlfriend were simply stopped at a redlight, when a gunman approached the car and shot him in the neck. It was a case of mistaken identity-- the gunman thought he was someone else.

But the point that I wanted to blog about is the goal he expressed for our time together. He wanted to find activities that he could do with his kids. He simply wanted to interact in more meaningful ways with his children. (Sigh. What a lesson in humility. As a parent now, I think of how we jump through hoops to get our kids engaged in something for 30 minutes so that we can have some "me" time, and here’s a Dad who just wants to be more than a fun wheelchair ride through the house.)

We came up with the idea of card games and board games. His boys were about 6 or 7, so they were old enough to start playing the types of games that actually engage parents, too. And, his mouthstick hadn't gotten much use since inpatient rehab, thanks to the two very loving and well meaning women in his life. (They helped him do everything.)

So, I made a cardholder out of a hunk of wood, and charged him with the task of painting it. And we spent much of our time together playing checkers, chess, connect four, and various card games.

My greatest lesson? Engaging in tasks together is far more rapport building than any conversation. He knew that, but had such limited physical ability to do it. So, we both found new ways to connect with those we love. And, now that I'm a mother, I look back to that experience, and hope that he shared many meaningful activities with his kids.

The Mating Game: Rationals and Idealists

2009-08-10T19:35:00.001-04:00

Sorry I've taken so long to post this. I can blame two distractions: children (need I say more?), and the discovery of another personality scholar, Dr. Katherine Benziger. I've been delving into her book and ideas, and I can't wait to share her findings-- very exciting stuff! But for now, here's the post about personality theory I've promised...

I remember when I was young, maybe 11 or 12, how I used to imagine what my "soulmate" would be like. I used to walk through my day, speaking to him in my mind. I used to pretend that he was just outside the window, and that he could hear my thoughts. Naturally, I imagined that he was responding to my needs perfectly. And I intuitively "knew" that I'd know him when I found him.

For Idealists (members of Keirsey's Idealist temperament, or those with NF in their Myers-Briggs personality type), the soulmate bond is more than having common interests, more than enjoying time spent together, more than a chemical attraction, even more than best friends. A soulmate is one's other half. When together, they create a whole. They are part of each other. Once found and devotion confessed, they would be together forever. With undying commitment. Always keeping each other as first priority. (I'm sure you Idealists are vigorously nodding your heads right about now, while others of you are thinking "whoa! I'd be suffocating"...)

And, I always believed (since girlfriends and movies and books all seemed to provide sufficient evidence) that everyone wanted the same thing from their mate. Right??

Wrong!-- wow-- I had no idea how wrong I was!

The truth is that all personality types (Idealists, Rationals, Guardians, and Artisans) are mostly "self" centered. That is, although we recognize that others have different interests, beliefs, and values, we tend to assume that others basically think the same way we do. If we aren't aware there are other ways of seeing the world, what else can we think, really? For example, don’t we all want to be loved? And, we know what that means, right?

Again, wrong! Let's take a look at Idealist and Rational pairings.

Idealists seek "soulmates," while Rationals seek "mindmates."* The Idealist soulmate connection is based on a deep spiritual bond, the search for wholeness, and the merging of two individuals. In contrast, the Rational mindmate connection is based on shared interests, the search for truth, and the connection of two independent individuals. For an Idealist, the bond "is" and always will be, because both partners choose it to "be." For a Rational, the connection is only as real as it is objectively present at any given moment. So, for an Idealist the bond is formed at the start. Subsequent positive interactions simply reinforce that they are soulmates, and negative interactions are brushed off as the imperfection of human nature. Whereas, a Rational uses objective observation to determine whether a relationship achieves mindmate status, and subsequent interactions may reinforce or nullify the bond (clearly they allow for everyday rubs, but the overall belief in the bond is more transient.)

So, what happens when an Idealist and a Rational come together?

This is where things get interesting. They have a common preference for abstract language, so communication feels easy. So easy in fact, that I propose that (thanks to self centered thinking) the Idealist believes that he/she has found another Idealist who is remarkably grounded and has figured out how to translate visions into reality (in other words, a super Idealist!) And the Rational believes that he/she has found another Rational who has mastered the uncomfortable realm of emotion (in other words, a super Rational). Interestingly, I found a theory online called the "Grand Miscommunication Theory" (by IgaNoKami). He rather succinctly sums it up as thus (I changed his terminology to match "Rational" and "Idealist"):

It is my theory that within the relationship between the (Rational) and the (Idealist), there is a grand accident that lends itself to compatibility between the two types.

The (Rational) is most happy when allowed to rationally examine, explore, and explain his motivations and self-analysis and observation to an intimate partner. This is simply because the (Rational) loves self exploration, loves to gather knowledge and insight into his own actions, not for the sake of emotional discovery, simply out of a sense of curiosity and need to analyze and collect data.

The (Rational) unemotionally and detachedly explains why he or she thinks in a certain way - that is what (Rational)s are best at, observation, particularly of themselves - and the (Idealist) then thinks that they are opening up to them, and becomes moved and emotionally attached to the (Rational). The (Rational) sees that their observations are being received and interesting to the (Idealist), so they continue.

A fascinating relationship between two types. A relationship of total mutual miscommunication, the motivations are completely different, but with a reinforcing result. The (Rational) feels the closeness and intimacy of being able to share their scientific self-analysis, and the (Idealist) feels that the (Rational) is sharing their innermost thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and so the cycle of miscommunication keeps them locked together in a positively reenforcing relationship.

And neither is the wiser until the Idealist becomes confused by the Rational's focus on achievement, and the Rational feels uncomfortable with the Idealist's focus on connection. It is then that the two must recognize and accept that their basic fuel for a relationship is different, and that the other will never truly fulfill the concept of mate that each values. In other words, the Idealist is not a mindmate and the Rational is not a soulmate.

So, does that mean we should mate with someone of our own temperament? Not necessarily. Most often, it is our differences that attract us to another. For good reason. Each personality type has strengths and weaknesses. One's strengths can complement the other's weakness. It is easy to see how "self" centered thinking would lead to confusion and misunderstanding between the two mates.

Some lucky couples do find an amazingly compatible mate to share their life with. But for the majority of us, once the romantic love phase of a new relationship fades, we start to experience rubs. And then we start launching our own Pygmalion Projects, each attempting to reform the other into a person more like ourself. Since, naturally, we all believe that our aim in life is the most valuable for everybody. But, as Keirsey points out, others cannot adopt our goals without violating their own character. The key to success, I believe, is maturity, a willingness to learn how others think, and a willingness to embrace others' values as equally valid as our own.

Personality theory experts tell us that any type pairing can be successful. Certainly, any two mature, well adjusted adults can learn to meet each others' needs and make a marriage work. But interestingly, studies have shown that there is a pattern to mating. Keirsey spent 40 years "people watching," and he has documented clear patterns in mating. By far, the most common marriage is between an Artisan and a Guardian. Not surprising, given that Artisans (SPs) and Guardians (SJs) comprise 85% of the population (according to Keirsey). And, though it's difficult for the relatively rare Rationals (NTs) and Idealists (NFs) to find each other, there is a significant frequency of Rational-Idealist marriages. I won't get into the explanation here, but Keirsey has a clear theory about why these pairings occur. It has to do with the preference for abstract vs. concrete use of language (N vs. S), and the preference for using tools in a cooperative manner to pursue goals (SJs and NFs) vs. using tools in a utilitarian (or most effective) manner to pursue goals (SPs and NTs.)

So whether your spouse is an Artisan searching for a playmate, a Guardian searching for a helpmate, an Idealist searching for a soulmate, or a Rational searching for a mindmate, any pairing can be successful. And learning how another sees the world can be a wonderful, lifelong, grand adventure!

(*Guardians seek "helpmates," and Artisans seek "playmates.")

Connecting By Numbers (or FOUR!, part 2...)

2009-07-24T16:15:00.003-04:00

(photos by Jason Evans)

This morning I was thinking (or, for those of you who follow my personality theory posts, intuiting) about numbers.

I've always loved numbers. They fascinate me. Each has it's own personality or vibe (in my mind, anyway.) For example, I've always loved 3 and 7-- they are the most magical numbers. And my favorite number when I was a child was 8. Because it is so symmetrical, so balanced. (Not to mention how cool it is that if you lay it on it's side it is infinity!)

But this morning I was reflecting on the significance of 4. I don't remember ever being "taken with" 4. It just had a vibe of solid integrity. Nothing flashy or magical. So I surprised myself as my intuiting led me to some interesting observations about 4. No wonder 4 always felt simply solid-- it is solid. Four creates a base, a square. And each part of the four is necessary for the integrity of the foundation. Take one away and you are left with 3-- a triangle. Triangles are mighty tricky to keep balanced. (Precisely why 3 is so exciting...it's dynamic!)

Anyway, to continue on my dissertation of 4, I (naturally) began thinking of all the 4's I know. There are four elements, four seasons, four Hogwarts houses (you knew I'd go there), four Beatles(!), four temperaments, and... (drumroll)... four cognitive functions in personality theory. Yes! There's the connection! Perhaps because we have four basic ways of thinking, we find four is the number necessary for balance. Now, let me try to put my intuition into words.

The four cognitive functions are thinking, feeling, sensing, and intuiting. We each have a dominant-- our strength. Personality experts tell us that we should not strive to achieve balance by improving our skills in the three non-dominant functions to a level that equals our dominant, because that would leave us without a strength, or a core personality. But, (here's where my love of finding evolutionary connections comes in) to survive as a group, we need the strengths that each cognitive function offers. Perhaps this is why we have evolved different personality types. To ensure that among the group there are some gifted in Thinking, some gifted in Feeling, and others gifted in Sensing and Intuiting. We need specialists. So that when we put those four cognitive strengths together, we have a solid base.

I can see how, as an Idealist, I need to have input from a Rational to keep my visions realistic and logical, otherwise my visions will never have purpose or be useful to others. I need a Guardian to ground me in priorities and integrity, otherwise I can place too much selfish importance in my desires. And, I need an Artisan to remind me that it's important to experience joy from the carefree, playful aspects of life, otherwise my life will become too serious and heavy. A world of Idealists would feel wonderful to me, but it would be a very weak community, indeed!

Personality theory expert Lenore Thomson says, "fourfold schemes in popular culture…seem archetypally perfect and become part of our social mythology. They appear to represent psychological wholeness in ways that we intuitively recognize." She pointed out that the Beatles are comprised of representatives of each of the four functions: John is the acerbic Thinker, George is the mystical Intuitive, Paul is the romantic Feeler, and Ringo is the earthy Sensation type. And I can find the same balance in the four Hogwarts houses: the Idealist Gryffindors, the Rational Ravenclaws, the Guardian Hufflepuffs, and the Artisan Slytherins. Perhaps this is why these pop culture phenomenon have such global appeal. Everyone can relate to one of the four. And all four pieces are necessary for a balanced whole.

My dominant intuitive function is humming happily today...

(But, with no disregard to 4, I still love my favorite warm, yellow, soulful 7 over there....)
:)

FOUR!

2009-07-14T21:50:00.001-04:00

Hi everyone! Sorry I've been away from blogland for so long. School let out, and I found myself working overtime as Mom. I hope to get back to visiting all of you more regularly now that I've adapted to the summer schedule (and thank goodness for summer camp next week!)

I'm working on another Personality Theory post. It should be ready for posting by next week, so I hope you'll all stay tuned. (**keeping fingers crossed**) But in the meantime, I decided to steal a quick, easy (or so it seemed) meme which was making the blog rounds several weeks ago.

Here's my take on the Four Things Meme:

Four Movies You Can See Over and Over

Harry Potter (all of them)
Lord of the Rings
Grease (silly, I know, but it was my first favorite... )
Somewhere in Time (love the soundtrack!)

Four Places You Have Lived

Pennsylvania
Delaware

(I only have two)

Four TV Shows You Love(d) to Watch

American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance (I thought I'd lump the reality shows together)
Little House on the Prairie (I was addicted when I was 10)
Star Trek
The Twilight Zone

Four Places You Have Been on a Vacation

Germany
Disney World (Florida)
Ocean City, NJ
Chincoteague, VA

Four of your favorite foods

dark chocolate (especially 70%)
wild mushrooms
almonds
tea

Four Websites You Visit Daily

The Leaky Cauldron
The Clarity of Night (and as many blogs as I can)
Yahoo
Youtube

Four Places You Would Rather Be

On a boat, saltwater fishing
Riding a rollercoaster
At our cabin
Hogwarts (only Muggles think it's fiction...)

Four Things You Hope to Do Before You Die

See the cave paintings in Lascaux, France
Visit the pyramids of Egypt
Hold my grandchild
Follow through on at least one of my crazy therapy/career ideas

Four Novels/Books You Wish You Were Reading for the First Time
(This was really hard. Well, other than the obvious first one... )

Harry Potter (the entire series)
What to Expect When You are Expecting (such an exciting time!)
a novel by Jason :)
Please Understand Me II (by David Keirsey)

GivesMeHope.com

2009-06-02T13:30:00.002-04:00

This is why I love the Harry Potter fan community.

Just about everyone on the planet has heard of Harry Potter. It is one of the most beloved stories of all time. But simmering beneath the surface is another story. The story of the fandom.

In many ways, I believe the fandom represents the generation of kids (now young adults) who grew up with Harry. In fact, it could be argued that Jo Rowling did more than write a bestselling book series. It could be argued that Jo inspired and defined a generation.

There are hundreds of online fan sites, hundreds of fan fiction authors, and hundreds (yes-- I'm not exaggerating) of wizard rock bands. (If you don't believe me, check out this: wizrocklopedia-band-listings). But what is fascinating to me is how the fandom transcends their love for a story. When these fans get together, it's not just to discuss the literary merits of the books, have a pick-up game of Quidditch, or enjoy socializing at a Yule Ball. These folks are living the messages that Rowling models: promoting literacy, giving to charity, creating (house) unity.

For example, one of the top websites (The Leaky Cauldron) just held a conference (LeakyCon 2009) two weeks ago in Boston. In addition to the academic HP "experts," they also had big names like award winning YA author John Green (and his brother Hank), Cheryl Klein (an editor of the HP books at Scholastic), and Michael Goldenberg (the screenwriter for the Order of the Phoenix movie, as well as Contact and Peter Pan). Also, Jo Rowling and Scholastic donated a signed 10-book set of American Edition Harry Potter books for fundraising (the only such set in the world.) It was a huge event for fans. Thousands attended. It was organized and run by the fans who run the website-- median age: probably 24. And if that's not inspiring enough, all proceeds went to charity: Book Aid International and the HP Alliance (who raises awareness of Darfur and runs a book drive for Rwanda)!

Another example is the Wizard Rock community. Founded and led by the band Harry and the Potters (brothers Paul and Joe DeGeorge), Wizard "Wrock" bands tour the US, playing in libraries, schools, and bookstores to celebrate and promote literacy. Harry and the Potters, for instance, encouraged concert goers in the summer of 2006 to read some of their favorite books in exchange for toothbrushes (bearing their band name) with the receipt of a book report (that gets a huge "yay" from moms everywhere!), and wrock band The Remus Lupins' motto is "Fight Evil, Read Books."

So I was not at all surprised to learn of this most recent endeavor by a HP fan. Emerson Spartz started the largest HP fansite in the world (Mugglenet) in 1999 when he was just 12 years old. He is at the forefront of the fandom: appeared on FOX news, was parodied by Jimmy Kimmel, and co-authored a bestselling book about HP. And he was one of only two people invited by Jo Rowling to her home for an interview after the midnight release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Now at the ripe old age of 22 (ha!), he has started a new website in reaction to a site that has been gaining popularity: FMyLife.com.

FMyLife.com is a site where people share stories explaining how their day was completely ruined. Tired of always hearing about negativity, Emerson and his fiancee, Gaby, launched GivesMeHope.com "where people share with the world their most hopeful, uplifting moments and allow others to draw strength from their experiences."

This is why I love the Harry Potter fan community.

They give me hope.

Living History

2009-05-29T15:00:00.000-04:00

(Part 3 of "Finding a Home in Nursing Homes")

(Photo by Jason Evans)

Though the nursing center is modern and current events are blaring from TVs, I was constantly reminded of the era that shaped the residents. There was a curious duality in the Octogenarians and Nonagenarians wearing Nikes and toting CD players. Those moments when evidence of their vintage broke through are some of my most treasured memories. I'll start with Milly...

Milly

Milly was a happy, fun-loving, easy-going woman who raised 8 or 9 children on her farm in rural Pennsylvania. She had suffered a stroke which left her hemiplegic-- with little or no function of her left arm and leg. We could bathe and dress her in bed easily, but she required two aides to help her stand and pivot into her wheelchair.

No one minded the interruption when called to help with the transfer. Because Milly was a joyful soul, with wonderfully contagious laughter. Actually, the stroke damaged her emotion control center, leaving her with emotional lability: inappropriate (often exaggerated) expression of emotion. When Milly laughed, everyone laughed, then Milly would laugh harder and so on. She was known to exclaim that she had peed because she was laughing too hard, which would require a change of her "diaper." So the regular aides knew to get the laughter out before finishing the bathing and dressing routine.

When I first met Milly, two aides were in the process of helping her into her chair and laughter filled the room. Something was said that inspired a great guffaw from Milly, which sent her dentures flying across the room! Naturally this resulted in more laughs and by the time we had her dry and seated, we all were wiping the tears from our faces.

At the start of summer, a young girl who was studying nursing at the local university took a summer job as an aide. Darla was African-american, and from the city. She clearly had the disposition for nursing, and was immediately accepted by the staff. So, at the end of her first day of training, we sent her to answer Milly's call light (Milly was an "easy" resident-- generally happy and not medically complex).

Darla shuffled down the hall and disappeared into Milly's room. Next came an ear-splitting shriek and we saw Darla backing into the hall with a mixture of shock, concern, and resigned amusement on her face as Milly shouted, "Help! She escaped! Send her back on the boat!"

After a moment of confusion (we weren't accustomed to hearing Milly angry or scared), Darla looked at us and we all erupted into laughter. It was a sudden reminder of the generational differences. Milly was scared. Because she had not been exposed to cultural diversity in her quiet, rural life.

By the end of the summer, Milly enjoyed Darla's care, and was sad to say goodbye when fall semester resumed.

17

2009-05-23T00:00:00.002-04:00

Eyes of dusty green

penetrating

strong line of jaw

delving

feelings of rare comfort

tingling

darkest hours of night

glowing

souls dance together

laughing

You stood with grace and calm as I walked the aisle. Strength and intelligence, under the eaves of Victorian twilight. Seventeen years ago, at seven in the evening, you joined my life's path. Thank you for the magic, for the beauty, for the understanding.

For the love.

Happy Anniversary, my Prince of Twilight.

From the deep sea of Clouds
To the island of the moon,
Carry me on the waves
To the lands I've never been,
Carry me on the waves
To the lands I've never seen.
~Enya

Finding a Home in Nursing Homes-- Elizabeth

2009-05-07T19:40:00.000-04:00

I was introduced to Elizabeth after a warning from my new coworkers. Several of the aides rolled their eyes and sniggered as my trainer said to them, "Oh come on, she's a very nice lady…. She just likes things done her way."

Elizabeth sat in her nightgown, one arm in a sling and her eyebrow raised as we entered one of only four private rooms in the nursing home.

"Good morning!" chirped my trainer.

"You're late," stated Elizabeth, but I noted a bit of a mischievous glint in her eyes.

I soon learned that Elizabeth expected help to walk to the closet, using her four-point cane, so that she could choose which silk blouse she'd like to wear with the dark slacks that filled her closet. She also had a particular order in which she liked her sponge bath to proceed. And the entire process took at least 30 minutes, a queen's ration of the 2 ½ hours that we had to wash and dress the 12 residents on our assignment. When finished, she sat in her wheelchair with a straight back, blotting her bright red lipstick and patting her coif into place. She smiled at me.

"You'll do fine, she likes you," my trainer remarked as we swept from the room.

Elizabeth had more grace and dignity than any other resident I had ever met in my career. Though the aides joked and called her "the queen mum," I detected a friendly undercurrent. They simultaneously hated answering Elizabeth's call bell and loved receiving her approval.

As months passed, I grew closer to Elizabeth. She warmed to me quickly when she discovered that I had graduated from the same college as her son. And she appreciated my gentle touch, when other aides were a bit gruffer (which was necessary with some residents-- much like the difference between a strict, but fair teacher and a warm, gentle teacher.)

Elizabeth's stroke had left her with right-sided hemiparesis: weakness in her right side. She wore a special shoe with a brace which was difficult to put on. It required massaging her foot and ankle to relax the abnormally high muscle tone in order to slip her foot into the shoe. Many of the aides got frustrated. It soon became known that a few of us were more adept at donning the shoe. So whenever possible, we'd be called in to help. When I was called in, Elizabeth would give me the "thank goodness it's you" look along with a scowling grimace and a fake bop on the head of the aide who was kneeling in front of her, intent on stuffing her foot into the shoe. I'd smile and take over.

But the real gem underneath the dignified exterior was revealed when one of my co-workers (my best friend at that job) began teasing Elizabeth. Her sense of humor reluctantly emerged as she felt more at ease with us.

One day, the aide who trained me, my best friend, and I were in Elizabeth's room. The trainer was telling us the story of how she thought her vacuum was broken.

"I attached the hose, you know, and it wouldn't suck! It would only blow, not suck!"

Elizabeth burst into laughter along with my friend and I, as a look of embarrassed surprise came over the trainer's face.

"Oh! I didn't mean it to sound that way," she exclaimed as she giggled. But Elizabeth just waved her off and laughed heartily.

And then there was the day that Elizabeth called my friend and I into her room, blushing and insisting that we close the door. She had a book in front of her, she'd been reading a romance.

"I have a question for you. What exactly is…" she paused with a nervous smile, then whispered, "oral sex, you know, for the woman?"

My friend, who thankfully was embarrassed by nothing, explained.

"You mean… the man… does that... there?"

She had a horrified look for a moment, then, "Oh… oh!" And she smiled, causing my friend and I to giggle like teenagers at a sleepover.

Elizabeth taught me that day that it doesn't matter what time period we live in, how sophisticated we try to be, or how old we are… we are all human. All the same. These withered, weakened bodies who had lived through world wars, gender inequality, and a culture that held family values higher than any generation since, were just like me. There was no reason to feel fear or shy when helping them with basic daily tasks. I could be in that wheelchair one day. And I wouldn't want to be treated like a mothball ridden relic either.

Finding a Home in Nursing Homes

2009-04-24T21:00:00.004-04:00

The summer I turned 19, with aspirations of becoming a physician, I landed a summer job in a nursing home. I was a Nurse's Aide. Back then, there was no licensure or educational requirements. It was all on-the-job-training. And what training it was! (Especially for a teenaged girl…I'll share more about that later!) After college, I again worked as a Nurse's Aide to gather more hands-on experience before entering graduate school for Occupational Therapy (OT) . Finally, I began my OT career specializing in geriatric rehab. Since I have many stories and experiences to share, this will be an ongoing blog series.

Photo found on Flickr

The Experience

Many people shudder at the thought of nursing homes. They conjure sad images of frail people waiting to die and cold, sparsely decorated rooms. Reality often validates these impressions. But only on the surface.

Nursing homes assault your senses. The smell of cleaning products mixed with body fluids. The sight of people napping in wheelchairs. The sound of pain, confusion, and croaks for help. (Once a woman with a stroke-damaged smile pointed and shouted to me, "There! Do you see it?! A lemming!")

However, the hushed, depressive atmosphere and the sense that you are in a place between worlds are false. In truth, nursing homes are much more warm and familiar, fun and alive, and surprisingly comfortable. A visitor can't experience those depths. Let me take you inside.

In a way, working in a nursing home is like caring for 15 infants and toddlers at once. You scramble to:

Wipe noses and wash hands.

Help them stand at the sink to wash and dress.

Soothe one crying in the corner while catching one trying to escape out the door.

Mediate squabbles.

Help people use the toilet (and wipe).

At mealtime, there are drink boxes to open, food to cut, and fork-fuls to be fed. And there's diapers! You feel like you are constantly changing diapers. Not to mention, there's always the threat that you'll discover the source of the unseemly odor too late, only to find an artist fingerpainting with poop. Naptime seems like a break, but you've got to make sure that each one has what they require to sleep.

But despite the work, most of my days ended with a smile and a warm heart. Why? Because working with adult-sized people is about more than meeting their physical needs. Each one has a lifetime to share and lessons to teach. History lessons (I've met several folks who were born in the 19th century!). Cultural lessons. And plenty of psychology.

A nursing home is a home-- an extended family. And nothing is warmer than that.

Elizabeth

One of my beloved "grandmothers" called me into her room one day. Elizabeth knew I was engaged, and had even met Jason once. She gave me a piercing look, set her lips firmly, and declared "You must have something blue with you when you marry." Then she handed me the embroidered handkerchief pictured below.

Months later she suffered a second stroke. The charge nurse phoned me on my day off to let me know that it was "time". I sat with her for several hours, the other aides joined me when they could spare a few minutes. She quietly slipped away later that night.

And I proudly carried "something blue" down the aisle six months later.

Next time, I'll tell you about another time Elizabeth called me into her room....
:)

Equilibrium (Personality Talk, part 8)

2009-04-11T11:00:00.002-04:00

"We know that three of the four functions of consciousness can become differentiated, i.e., conscious, while the other remains connected with the matrix, the unconscious, and is known as the 'inferior' function. It is the Achilles' heel of even the most heroic consciousness…." Carl Jung, 1959

Time for another personality post! I've been reading more about inferior functions and how stress is expressed in each type. So I thought I'd share!

If you need a refresher, read the Basics of Type Theory first. If you already know your type, you can determine your hierarchy of functions there.

Balance has a unique meaning in type theory. At first glance, you may think that a balanced personality is one that has developed equal competence in all functions. This would result in no clear preferences. Essentially, you would be typeless. But that's not how the human brain develops and functions.

Balance means we develop our inferior function (the 4th function) sufficiently to keep our dominant function from becoming overbearing, over-expressed, and running amok. It's healthy to develop the inferior function to achieve this balance. But no matter how balanced we are, or how skilled we are at using that inferior function, it can also cause trouble, because it remains our least comfortable, least controlled function.

What kind of trouble? Know how you can act out of character when under stress, feeling tired, or ill? When you have a day when you don't recognize yourself? In type theory it's called "being in the grip." And in type terms, it is the eruption of your inferior function. When we are in the grip of our inferior function we experience tunnel vision (become too focused or narrow-minded), lose our sense of humor, and make "all-or-none" statements.

Each inferior function has different triggers or stressors that lead to a grip experience, behaviors that characterize the grip experience, and ways to return to equilibrium. Because of their make up, INFJs and INTJs can be especially stressed when they are forced to focus on details, to face unexpected events, or to be more extraverted. Their inferior function, extraverted sensing (Se), unconsciously comes forward. Their "grip experience" causes them to focus obsessively on external data, to overindulge in sensual pleasure, or to take an adversarial attitude toward the external world. To return to equilibrium, they may need time alone to recharge, to lighten their normal schedule, or to be free from others giving advice or suggestions.

So, as an INFJ (and I can attest to the truth of this) I can get stressed when plans change at the last minute, causing me to pick a fight with Jason, which resolves only after I've had some alone time. :) Or, after spending all day shopping with my extraverted mother-in-law, I just need to sit and eat chocolate, and put off the laundry and vacuuming until the next day (yeah-- that sounds right!)

If you want to know your inferior function, triggers, form of the grip experience, and how to get back to equilibrium, tell me your type in the comments. Let's see how accurate this theory is!
:)

I also want to wish all those who celebrate it, HAPPY EASTER!

Hope your holiday is hopping! (Follow the little ones, they know where the best eggs are!)

(back to part 7)

Neanderthals Among Us

2009-04-01T16:25:00.001-04:00

Homo sapiens and Homo neanderthalensis, University of Pennsylvania Museum of Archeology and Anthropology, photo by Jason Evans

I was looking at my stat counter log the other day, and I found a most interesting visit. Someone found my blog while searching for "brain function theory INTP." Naturally, I clicked on their search to see what else they found. And I was led to a fascinating site called The Neanderthal Theory. (No, INTPs are not Neanderthals in disguise! LOL!)

I've mentioned in previous posts that I've always been interested in early humans and human evolution. In particular, my imagination has been sparked by the idea that modern humans and Neanderthals lived at the same time. Authors such as Jean Auel have brought this idea to life, exploring the possibilities of interactions between the two hominid groups, including interbreeding. And, genetic research supports this notion.

It's been rather accepted that a Neanderthal could walk the streets of New York City undetected. Their appearance would not be outside the range of modern human variation. A bit shorter, stockier, more muscular, but largely considered unremarkable to other humans. Here is a reconstruction of a Neanderthal child based on research at the University of Zurich (by Elisabeth Daynes, photo by Philippe Plailly).

And now, this Neanderthal Theory takes my imagination to a whole new level. The author proposes that Autism, Asperger's syndrome, ADHD, and Tourette syndrome may not be "disorders" at all, but rather that the symptoms of these conditions are a result of the expression of Neanderthal DNA in the Caucasian genome! Wow-- sounds like science fiction, doesn't it? But the author of this theory presents an interesting case.

Oh, and what did INTP brain function have to do with the Neanderthal Theory? There is mention that there seems to be a correlation between ADHD and the following types: ENTP, ENFP, INFP, and INTP. And that "there is also considerable overlap between criteria of aspie(Asperger's syndrome) and INTP."

Hmmmm....
;)

Aine Revealed, part 2

2009-03-30T12:30:00.000-04:00

As promised, here are some photos from my teenage years. First, a shot of me in school, looking so alert. I think this was 7th grade, so I was 12 years old. Sorry for the poor quality, but ya know, these are rather ancient. ;)

Next, for Sarah, who asked for proof of the cheerleading... the press shot (I'm in the back row, last on the right):

Here are cheerleaders at work. (What? You thought it was all about glamour? Puh-lease.) This is my friend and I (I'm on the left), on a freezing, rainy Thanksgiving morning. It was the last game of the season, and our team blazed out with an exciting zero to zero tie! Fun game, that one.

And lastly, my junior prom photo. I was 16. My brother-in-law fancied himself an amateur photographer...too bad he didn't correct for the massive flash shadows and reflection from the vintage wood paneling. :D

Aine Revealed (part 1)

2009-03-24T20:50:00.002-04:00

Aniket has challenged us to reveal ourselves (though I blame Jason for throwing down the gauntlet-- just had to show some skin, didn't ya, dear?). Aniket has complained that he's seen my legs and finger, but not the parts in between. Well-- here I am.

My parents used this photo for their Christmas card for my first Christmas. That's me-- the New Year Baby (we were 6 months old). Thanks for dressing me for the occasion, Mom! My brother was so roly-poly that they had to lean him against me to keep him upright.

And, here's another glimpse. I was 8. And had just experienced my first fishing trip. Notice the bountiful catch. That's unheard of in the back bays of New Jersey these days (so sad...).

That's enough for part one. Tune in next time for a teenaged version of Aine as we work up to the present.

Life is Beautiful-- and Wonderful!

2009-03-17T10:15:00.002-04:00

I found the song! The song that captures my mantra. Sure he changed "beautiful" to "wonderful", but he didn't want to steal my phrase... ;)

Each lyric is full of meaning yet simple. As is life. We need to cherish all experiences, the positive and the negative, because "it takes the one to have the other."

So, without further ado, here is the wonderful live recording of Life is Wonderful by Jason Mraz:

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
It takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

La la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Al la la la la

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you yawn brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

(Chorus)

It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

(Chorus)

Fitting In

2009-03-11T23:45:00.000-04:00

(photo by An_Tarzan on flickr)

I've been struggling with blogging lately. My interest in personality theory continues to be a huge part of my conscious thoughts, but I don't want that to be the focus of my blog.

So today I thought I'd share a glimpse into the zany, illogical way my brain works. (Which I'm sure is in large part due to my INFJ preferences.)

I had a revelation this morning. Throughout my life I've always categorized people (big surprise, eh?). But my intention has never been to label people or confine them by limitations. Rather, I use the categorizations to make interactions easier and smoother. As an introvert, I'm not a natural socializer. But I became very skilled in getting along with everyone by recognizing people's motivations, different ways of thinking, values, etc. and using that knowledge to find connections. I can't relate to everyone, but I can relate to a part of everyone.

By high school I was able to move in and out of different social cliques with ease. I was an "A" student, president of the National Honor Society, and my best friends were "brains." But, I was also a varsity cheerleader and could hang with the jocks. At school dances I was known to break dance with the basketball players. And the first guy I dated was a hard partier. At home, I was a "tomboy" and very comfortable hanging out with my brother's friends (think "greaser" meets southern rock lovers--I think I confused my classmates when I greeted those guys in the halls!) And my ballet background gave me a solid position among the drama/theater crowd.

But what I didn't know was how to label me.

So that brings me to my revelation. I started watching the vlogbrothers on Youtube. Those guys are brilliant! They are very intelligent and hilarious, but what I love most about them is the relationship they share. They just adore each other and their families. One is an award-winning novelist and the other is a web designer and environmentalist who runs ecogeek.org. What hit me while watching them, is that they are of the "type" that I most admire and (naturally) feel most awkward around. So, I created a new label for me: I am a nerd-wannabe. (Ha! Who would ever admit THAT?) I want to be as intelligent and quick witted as they are. I want to understand the nuances and implications of each reference they make. I want to be able to respond in kind: have a witty comeback, a creative thought that takes the conversation to new possibilities. I want to be like them.

So, why is it that the one "type" who I feel most awkward with is the one type I most want to be like?

Kid Writing

2009-02-27T00:05:00.001-05:00

While searching for a drawing to use for my last post, I found a story that my daughter wrote in kindergarten. Her school uses a curriculum called "Kid Writing." Every day the students were instructed to draw a picture in their Kid Writing Journal and then write a sentence or two about it. They were taught to write any letters that they heard in the words (phonic based spelling). Then, an adult (teacher or parent volunteer) helped them translate it into "adult writing". Once a child became an independent writer (no longer needed help to compose sentences) the teacher required more, such as a paragraph.

When I saw this story, I just had to share it with you. Given Jason's writing skills and his recent sci-fi vignette, it is quite apparent that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! LOL! Most of the kids write about something that their family did recently, describe a beloved pet, or draw a picture of their house. Not our kid-- she writes multichapter stories!

(Chapter 2: The Curse of the Aliens)

Abby and I were on the twirling bar. The aliens put a remote in the baby's brain. He took over the baby and made the baby scatter buttons around the world. Karen came. She didn't know about the buttons. She stepped on one. A box appeared. I opened the box! I didn't know it was Pandora's box. And all the sadness and sickness came out.

And, to further demonstrate the power of DNA-- here is a poem our other daughter wrote in second grade. (Jason can rest easy that his genes have been passed on!)

Love is like a rainbow in my heart.
Love is red like the first rose of the season.
Love is orange like a skinny pumpkin that grows in my garden.
Love is yellow like the first stars you see at night.
Love is green like a fresh bunch of grapes that came from the garden.
Love is blue like the crystal blue sky.
Love is indigo like the night sky with bright stars.
Love is violet like the beautiful flowers I pick in the meadow.
Happy Valentine's Day

Through a Child's Eyes

2009-02-24T16:25:00.000-05:00

~drawing by my youngest daughter at age 5

I've been reading a book about infant brain development and I discovered a little fact that I'd never heard before: vision develops differently in boys and girls.

There are several different types of cells that send visual information from the retina to the brain. One is called parvocellular (or P cells) which link to the cones--they transmit information about color and shape of stationary objects. Another type is called magnocellular (or M cells) which link to the rods--they carry information about depth and motion.

Researchers have found that girls have more P cells and boys have more M cells. So, girls are born with a better skill in seeing shape and color (or "what something is"), whereas boys have an advantage in seeing motion, depth, and shades of gray (or "where something is"). I can easily see the evolutionary link here-- female gatherers need to recognize plants by shape and color, male hunters need to process the motion of prey to make a successful kill. But I digress…

The impact of this anatomy on preschool function is what I found so interesting. Girls tend to use many bright colors to draw things (like houses, flowers, people, or animals). While boys tend to use a few crayons, often black, gray, silver, and blue, to draw actions (car crashes, airplanes, etc.)

Just imagine the psychological impact on little Sam when his teacher (mostly females in preschool settings) inadvertently criticizes him for not using more color, or asks him to draw more "happy people." He'll get the message that he's not doing something right or somehow lacking.

And, his feeling of failure is more important than we realize. Other studies have demonstrated that children decide whether they like school by the end of their first year and that their decision remains stable throughout their lifetime!

Ack!-- I hope preschool and kindergarten teachers have heard about this! I don’t have any sons, so I haven't seen this play out. Have any of you?

Communication (Personality Talk, part 7)

2009-02-02T20:24:00.002-05:00

Do you ever feel frustrated when someone doesn't seem to hear a request you've made? Or perhaps you have been labeled "bossy" despite your best intentions. Maybe you know someone who seems to be so passive-aggressive that you just want to shout at them "will you just ask for what you actually want already?!"

These communication issues may be explained by personality theory!

There are two styles of communication: informing and directing. And guess what? We each have a natural preference for one or the other, and it tends to coincide with our other thinking preferences (see previous personality posts for the type functions).

How do you ask for something? There are many ways to communicate a simple request. Suppose you are asking your spouse to get bread when they go to the store. How would you phrase that request?

We're out of bread.
We need bread.
Would you be able to get us some bread?
We're out of bread and I was wondering if you could get us some?
We're out of bread. Would you please get us some?
Would you please get us some bread?
Please get us some bread.
Get some bread.

This list illustrates the continuum from informing to directing style. The styles are rather self-explanatory. The intent of directing is to direct the actions of others to accomplish a task, often by telling or asking. The intent of informing is to give information in order to engage others in the process.

As with all cognitive functions, we have a natural preference for one style. We all use both styles for different purposes, but one style feels more comfortable. Often, our natural style can be heard when we are relaxed, whereas when under stress we may awkwardly use the non-preferred style. Also, life experiences can train us to use the non-preferred style, sometimes making it difficult to determine our natural style. For example any naturally "informing" person who undergoes military officer training is going to become very competent with the directing style. Likewise, many counselors are trained to use an informing style.

What can really interfere with communication, though, is how we also prefer to receive communication in our preferred style. Thus, when we are talking to someone of the opposite style, all manner of miscommunication can happen! A directing person may not even hear the request imbedded in an informer's statement. Imagine the frustration of an informing mother who tells her directing daughter that "the laundry is finished" with the intent that the daughter will fold the clothes. I can just hear the daughter twenty minutes later when mom is upset: "but you didn't ask me to fold the clothes!" And how about a directing girl telling her informing friend "Let's color! Go get the crayons." Her friend may start to feel that she's too bossy and stop playing with her.

The examples I've been using are clearly one style or the other. But, sometimes it's difficult to determine what style is being used. A directing person may try to soften their request by adding "please" or "would you mind" and an informing person may think they are being directive by saying "we need to go now!", but both are still using their preferred style. More examples of each style can be found here.

Ideal communication incorporates both styles -- it simultaneously provides information and tells the listener what's wanted of them. For example: "Please open the door because the guests are here." OR "The guests are here so please open the door." Only saying, "The guests are here" provides insufficient information, while only saying "Please open the door" seems rather bossy without the accompanying explanation.

So, have you figured out what your natural style is? Here's what personality theory predicts. If your preferences are: I/ENFJ, I/ENTJ, I/ESTJ, or I/ESTP you probably prefer directing. And if your preferences are I/ENFP, I/ENTP, I/ESFJ, or I/ESFP you probably prefer informing.

So (in my natural style), go forth using this knowledge and communicate more successfully with your friends and family! (please?)
:)

(back to part 6)

Connecting the Dots

2009-01-22T16:25:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't been around the blogosphere much lately. Between Jason's awesome contest, a new cat (a very sweet stray cat adopted us during the holidays), and germs taking up residence in our home (ugh!-- this is the first week since the holidays that both girls are actually at school, where they belong!), I haven't had much "me time" to devote to blogging. I had no idea what to blog about when I woke up this morning. But while reading Chris Eldin's blog, an idea was sparked.

Have you ever had the experience of discovering that you can connect the dots between seemingly unrelated interests and experiences in your life? I feel such glee when this happens. But then, I am predisposed to enjoying connections and meaning thanks to my thinking preferences (you know, the I, N, F, and J ways of thinking…)
:)

So I thought I'd share one of these connections with you.

Dot #1:
Some of you know that motherhood is a topic of great interest to me. I had no idea how much motherhood would change my life (cliché, I know…), but my postpartum experience made me consider shifting gears in my career. I had been a geriatric rehab specialist. Now I'm considering breaking new ground in Occupational Therapy by starting a practice devoted to the needs of new moms who are struggling with role transition.

In my research into the struggles of motherhood, I came upon a book by Dr. Harvey Karp-- The Happiest Baby on the Block (which, btw, should be a mandatory baby shower gift!) and found his "Fourth Trimester" theory. He calls the first 3 months of an infant's life the Fourth Trimester, because according to the positive (and significant)correlation between mammalian body size and length of gestation, human pregnancy should last 12 months, not 9. But since modern humans evolved larger craniums (relative to body size) than our hominid ancestors, moms who carried to full term died during childbirth. Those who delivered at 9 months, when the baby's head could still pass through the pelvis safely, survived. And, as a result, we are left to deal with newborns who would much prefer to still be in the womb for the first 3 months of their life.

Dot #2:
When I read Dr. Karp's theory, I just smiled. Because I had heard a similar theory 15 years before I became a mother. During a time when motherhood was the farthest thing from my mind.

In college I wrote a term paper about how the pelvic and cranial anatomy of Neanderthals may predict gestation length. At that time, a new theory in physical anthropology fascinated me-- that Neanderthals' pregnancies probably lasted 12 months.

That class, Human Evolution, was the beginning of what became an anthropology minor (my major was biology). And of course, that can be connected to:

Dot #3:
When I was 8, I told my parents that I wanted to be an archeologist when I grew up. This interest came from my fascination with human evolution, dinosaurs, and:

Dot#4:
I was always interested in time travel. I read every story I could find about time travel. Those Choose Your Own Adventure books were the best!

Believe it or not, there is an even earlier connection that can be made. An interest in time and connections across time can be argued to be a result of:

Dot #5:
My inborn thinking preferences: INFJ (see my posts on personality theory for the definition). My brain was wired to gather data through intuiting processes and make decisions based on feeling. These ways of thinking, paired with introverting and judging, make for a personality type (INFJ) that finds meaning in connections and often displays ESP-like foresight.

Which is why I am so delighted when my foresight fails to predict a connection and I discover it after the fact…
:)

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-24T00:35:00.001-05:00

Wishing you and your loved ones a wonderful holiday season! May your merriment be plentiful and your company warm.

--Aine and Jason

Visions of Sugarplums (with a few sugar quills and chocolate frogs...)

2008-12-19T15:00:00.000-05:00

As I'm busily preparing for the Evans' family Christmas, I thought I'd share a bit about our celebration. Particularly, the food!

In our house, Jason is the cook, and I am the baker. (Though as most moms know, I cook the everyday, routine dinners--they're just not as gourmet or tantilizing as Jason's creations...) So for our family Christmas we go all out. I've been known to bake as many as 13 different cookies, plus other delights, such as a chocolate Yule log or German nut stollen.

I have recipes that my german grandmother shared when I was a teenager (thank goodness I set a date to bake with her, my notebook in hand to record them). She was a wonderful baker--she ran an informal baking "business" in her Philadelphia home with her girlfriend. They were known for the hundreds of tins of cookies and doughnuts they created and gave to churches and neighbors every year at Christmas. The recipes that I recorded that day are full of phrases like: "a pinch of...", "two handfuls", "about two cups", "until it looks like", "use a light touch", etc.

And, the dinner that Jason prepares to precede all these sweets is grand. Here's the main event:

Yes, we roast a pig in our fireplace every Christmas Eve... Jason is "the man"! He needs to turn the spit every hour through the night. Surprisingly, after twelve years of sleeping on the couch, he has yet to meet Santa...

But Santa snitches a piece of pork each year as he fills the stockings! The girls have wondered if he gets burned when coming down the chimney. We've explained that Santa has other methods of entering the house.

My personal belief is that he apparates...you know, he is distantly related to that famous Dumbledore family. Have you noticed the family resemblance: long white beard, twinkle in the eyes, loves children, employs hundreds of house elves...? Santa uses reindeer instead of thestrals because they're less creepy. But clearly he is no muggle. He obviously uses a time turner to get the job done in one night, and I bet he makes use of an invisibility cloak through the year. (Otherwise the paparazzi would have had a field day!) But I digress...

So what are some of your favorite holiday foods?

Have a Happy Christmas, everyone!

Nutcracker Dreams

2008-12-11T10:25:00.002-05:00

This post was inspired by K.Lawson Gilbert's poem "Jo"
Thanks, K!

When I was a girl I took dance lessons. Ballet, tap, jazz. The usual mix. But it was ballet that captured my heart, and "dancer" was one of the first roles added to my self identity.

I took lessons seriously and became competent enough to be invited to join the local company's production of The Nutcracker. As a result, some of my fondest Christmas memories are associated with practices and rehearsals. The Nutcracker Suite is now strongly associated with Christmas in my brain. Just hearing the first few notes of the overture instantly puts me in a "preparing for a holiday party" mood.

And just because this video is entrancing, here is a unique version:

My most special Christmas present ever was the nutcracker that my parents gave me at the end of the closing performance the first year that I danced in the Nutcracker. I spent hours in my room dancing with that wooden soldier as if I were Clara. I still get teary every year when I pull it out of the box where it spends most of the year nestled with my small collection of nutcrackers. I remember feeling disappointed that it had a screw mechanism to crack nuts instead of the usual lever, but now I am glad for its uniqueness.

For several years I danced with the Candy Canes, then I graduated to the Russian Trepak. Here I am, probably at dress rehearsal when Mom could make me pose for the Polaroid.

Hearing those parts of the Nutcracker Suite evokes visceral reactions and sensory memories. The sound of the orchestra, the hushed voices waiting in the wings, the smell of rosin, the swish of tutus as dancers hurried backstage for costume changes. Even today, when I hear the ending notes of the dance of the reed flutes (or "Mirlitons", which preceded the Candy Canes)-- I feel the fluttering in my stomach.

The first notes of the Candy Cane dance or Russian Trepak would sing, and I would be transported-- I was no longer me. My arms and legs knew when to flex, when to stretch. I gracefully moved through the choreography, barely aware of each step as it flowed into the next. Rather, I felt the warmth of the stage lights, noticed the brightness of the costumes blurring by, and of course heard the music which fed my muscles.

I was no longer me-- I was a dancer.

Single (the second in a series about relationship...)

2008-12-01T00:03:00.002-05:00

(image from: uic.edu)

I'm finally adjusting to being single. Woo hoo!

Now, you can lower those raised eyebrows-- I'm not talking about my marital status! I'm talking about my sense of self. You see, unlike most people, I did not come into this world alone. I am a twin-- I have a twin brother. Since my first cell divided I have been with another. My first night sleeping outside the comfort of mom's womb, I was not alone. I was never just "me" in school-- I was "one of the twins" (kinda like "Seven of Nine"… ha!) So, it has shaped my sense of self in an unusual way.

When I first started dreaming of falling in love and getting married, I assumed that Mr. Right and I would have such a close bond that we would effortlessly know each other. I think my vision of a mate went beyond the typical best-friend and soulmate ideas, because I already knew what living as part of a pair entailed.

My brother and I were always together when playing. We helped each other throughout development. He made me laugh when I got frustrated. I pushed him around on a wheeled giraffe when I was first to walk. He fixed broken toys for me, I helped him with his homework. We often finished each other's sentences. And, to the frustration of my sisters, we frequently communicated nonverbally across the dinner table, laughing at unspoken jokes.

As we grew into the teenage years, we drifted apart, had different friends and different interests. I developed a strong, stable, healthy individual self. But my vision of a soulmate was already formed.

To make matters worse, I am an "Idealist" personality type. As Keirsey says in Please Understand Me II, Idealists are unique in their approach to mating. The other temperaments are realistic-- they assume their mates to be fallible. But Idealists look for "more than life partners in their mates-- they want soul partners, persons with whom they can bond in some special spiritual sense, sharing their complex inner lives and communicating intimately about what most concerns them: their feelings and their causes, their romantic fantasies and their ethical dilemmas, their inner division and their search for wholeness. Idealists firmly believe in such deep and meaningful relationships-- they will settle for nothing less-- and in some cases they try to create them where they don't exist." (Does this sound familiar those of you who are also Idealist types?)

Yep. That's what I did. But as I'm growing and experiencing life, I'm learning that such idealism does not lead to true intimacy. It can be taken too far. As much as an idealist would love to have a mate who fits their vision exactly, it is not reasonable or realistic. An idealist's vision of how things should be, can frustrate or even stifle others in their lives.

I've learned that for two to become one, they must first be two complete individuals. The early stages of a relationship feel like oneness, but that is fantasy. When a couple first falls in love they lower all internal boundaries and experience the feelings of merging with each other. Lovers often say that he/she "completes me". But this is not true oneness. True oneness can only develop over time. And the prerequisite is two complete people, each able to do all that relationship requires (according to Drs. Cloud and Townsend in Boundaries in Marriage ): give and receive love, be responsible, be independent and self-sufficient, live out values honestly, have self-confidence, deal with problems and failures, live out their talents, and have a life. My initial vision of a soulmate looked more like the merging of two incomplete people (very romantic, but not healthy!)

So, for the first time in my life I'm drawing boundaries around my "self" so that I can assess where I need to grow to become a more complete individual. It's exciting! I'm rediscovering the core of my self that is independent of any connections or relationships (a rather large task for me-- see part one). As I strengthen her, I will have more to give to others. And that is the basis for a true soulmate relationship!

Motherhood

2008-11-21T20:55:00.001-05:00

Motherhood.

What does that word evoke for you?

Last weekend, while dining in a restaurant with Jason and our girls, I saw the personification of that word for me. Two couples were sitting at the table next to us. One childless, the other with a precious little girl, who I would guess was about a year old.

As I often do (with such unabashed delight), I eavesdropped. The dad and the childless couple were discussing all sorts of office issues and how the economy was affecting change in company policy and the delights (or not) of daily commuting. The young wife was speaking with a new sense of adulthood, proud of her maturity as a grown woman; a married, yet independent professional. Her husband was enjoying the social experience of dining with friends. Across the table, the dad was engaging joyfully in the conversation. Happy to be out with friends. Proud of his latest success in life: fatherhood. But, one look at the mom's face and I had to fight the urge to cry and take her hand and run with her to anywhere. Anywhere but where people had no idea what she was feeling and experiencing in that moment. She needed understanding. She needed to feel a sense of belonging. And it wasn't going to come from any of the lovely people sitting at her table.

Motherhood evokes blackness for me. A loss of self. Yes, there's joy too. But that's overrated (in the early years). The fact is, motherhood is the great divide between youth and experience, freedom and dependence. I do love being a mother, but those early years… well, you moms know what I'm saying. I wish someone had told me….

American society (as seen on TV, magazines, movies, and books) packages motherhood as an image of pastel cooing, quiet softness, and women who are transformed into warm, lovely creatures who give of themselves unconditionally. When I got pregnant I cheered. I had been hoping to start on life's grandest adventure. And everyone I knew beamed with anticipation. People were genuinely happy for us. Support for pregnancy could be found everywhere: the monthly OB visits, friends and colleagues who were already moms, neighbors, even strangers in the grocery store provided friendly advice. All cares were focused on "mom".

Delivery was an amazing, inspiring event despite the hard work (I was fortunate to deliver naturally-- no drugs, no interventions). I was well prepared. For two weeks life was grand. That hormonal high was wonderful, the baby was beautiful, and life felt like an exciting adventure. Then everyone went back to their routines, their daily lives, their comforts.

Except me. For me, life was changed forever. And no one seemed to notice. When visiting, all focus was on the baby. No one seemed to notice that I was no longer me. I didn't know where my pre-baby self went, but I missed her terribly. Because in her place was an exhausted, depressed, over-sensitive caregiving machine. Insurance paid for one post-partum OB visit. When I walked into my doctor's office she said the sweetest words that I had heard in all of my six weeks of motherhood: "I don't want to talk about the baby. I want to talk about you." But fifteen minutes doesn't last long enough.

I have since read and learned much about motherhood. How our society masks the truth about motherhood. How our quest for independence and small, self-contained nuclear families inhibits women from receiving adequate support in early motherhood. How we are considered a "container crazy" society that deprives our infants of necessary touch. How there are cultures in the world whose babies don't cry (not because their babies are aliens, LOL), but because of mothering practices. And how poorly we educate our children about the job of parenting (though those new computerized dolls sound great-- a far cry from the egg that my partner and I nurtured for 2 weeks in tenth grade!).

So I sat in polite silence, preserving the privacy of our neighboring table in that restaurant. But my heart has been with that mom all week. I hope she finds her "self" soon. I hope she holds her head high as her world focuses on diapers and sleep issues and daily routines that consist of a neverending string of 10 minute tasks. I hope that her friends and family don't leave her behind as they grow socially and professionally, all the while telling her that she's doing "the most important job of all." And I hope that she finds others who understand and give her a sense of belonging in the world.

My First Meme!

2008-11-15T19:25:00.004-05:00

Now that I've become a real blogger, it's about time I do a meme (isn't it like a rite of passage for blogging, or something?). I stole this from Vesper-- you know her, that chick with a quill… (thanks, Vesper!)

The question is “Have you ever…?”

Bold the things you’ve done and will admit to.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity (not sure what counts here)
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea(I wasn't exactly offshore, but boating during a storm in the Chesapeake is scary enough to count, I think.)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping (does a hot tub count?)
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community (I'm not counting seeing them downtown shopping)
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted (sort of)
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (been there but couldn't go up)
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (Technically, Jason did the killing, but I've helped with the butchering, etc. And I have caught and filleted fish on my own...)
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Connections (the first in a series about relationship...)

2008-11-12T12:15:00.001-05:00

Recently, a friend reminded me of another song that was a favorite of mine when I was young: The Rainbow Connection. I haven't listened to that song for many years, and hearing it again brought back the sense of self that I discovered at eight years old. Connections. Relationships. That is how my view of the world is ordered. It is where I find meaning. And where I understand my self, my strengths, my weaknesses.

Now that I have learned so much about personality theory, I see how this way of being is a function of my personality type. As an INFJ, my dominant thinking process is Ni (introverted intuiting). Ni is the process that searches for connections and relationships, then uses that information to predict, enlighten, or transform (it is a future-oriented way of thinking). I find meaning and purpose in this structure or vision. Everything is interconnected, and once I can define the qualities of a connection I can intuit the future and understand the present. My Fe (the decision making process) uses the intuited info, passes it through the lens of extroverted feeling (considering others and the group, how can I best facilitate harmony and connection…) and I make a decision on which to act.

So, what is relationship? Listening to the Rainbow Connection reminded me of a common problem between people.

Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide.

Relationships are illusions. They aren't tangible. We can't touch them. And the only way we know they exist is when a behavior causes a ripple. Everything and everyone that feels that ripple can be certain that they share a connection with the person that generated the ripple. So, a relationship can only be known with certainty when there is change. But what is the relationship? The definition or quality of a relationship can only be defined by the two who are connected. No one on the outside can precisely describe it. And even the participants' definitions can differ greatly from each other. So what is the truth of this connection if it can only be defined inaccurately by each side? The truth is different for each party (and many of those differences can be explained by personality theory). "Relationship" therefore, is an illusion.

So we've been told and some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

I'd love to know what Kermit "knows" that gives him the confidence that there is a truth where there is a connection. I used to think I knew (my Ni in action!). But that was before I learned that there are ways of thinking that my brain would never have generated on its own. I was egotistical (in the sense that all children are egotistical until they develop enough abstract thought to see others as separate from themselves.)

Now I see how every relationship in my world (in the form that I believe it to be) exists only in my mind. But there are truly connections. That can't be disputed. I feel those ripples every day. And others around me tell me that they feel the ripples that I generate. Is it enough to believe that a relationship is what I believe it is? No, because that's only half the truth. How does the other person define our connection? And when they describe the connection, are they using words that hold different meanings in their way of thinking than in mine? When I hear their description I still have to decipher the meaning using my knowledge of their way of thinking, their personality type, their values and priorities. Ack!! This is hard work! No wonder there is so much confusion and disagreement between people.

How important is it to understand how someone else defines my connection to them? As long as it gives them meaning and pleasure (I'd like to not be the source of unhappiness!), maybe our connection can exist without further definition.

But, I think, when a connection starts to grow or change, it is important for both parties to understand the other's definition. Because if the change holds different significance, or alters each person's definition in a different way, then there will be confusion. So then what protects the connection? Should it be protected?

I am an Idealist-- one of Kermit's dreamers. I want to find that there is a universal "rainbow" connection. I think that our shared human desire to have connections or relationships is the universal truth. But everything else-- what the relationship means, how it is protected, the priority or significance that it is given-- are all illusion, created by each individual. And the best way to avoid confusion and pain is to share our thoughts, agree on a definition that works for both, and continually revise it together. In other words, we need to work together consciously to create and define a relationship that will be what both desire.

(Don't tell my fellow Idealists, but to quote Vernon Dursley from Harry Potter: "There's no such thing as magic!" Nothing just happens unless we make it happen. But it sure is wonderful when what we create feels like magic!)

Proud to be an American!

2008-11-05T15:00:00.001-05:00

I sent the kids off to school this morning with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart. How do you explain to a 9-year-old the impact of this election? Should you? Or should the kids just know that the best man won and America will continue to grow stronger, without any mention of race? That's what I dream of for my children-- that they will never give a second glance to skin color or background. That America's diversity and equality are precisely what makes us strong and good.

"What do you say? We are growing up!"
~Maya Angelou on CBS's The Early Show, November 5, 2008

My Obsession (and Happy Halloween!)

2008-10-28T16:30:00.005-04:00

(image from: OneBluePebble on Flickr)

Some of you know I have an obsession with Harry Potter. For those of you who didn't know-- now you do. Yes, I'm a 40 year-old (gulp) mom who loves the books more than my kids do. I hid my obsession for years because, well, I was embarrassed. It's not exactly the kind of thing I could talk about during the law firm events that Jason and I attend, or at formal charity balls in Philadelphia. (Though I found one attorney who also loves the books, and another attorney and his wife were surprised when I knew all about the Yule Ball/ Wizard Rock Concert that their daughter was attending that night...)

(here's some mood music...)

You see, I'm not just the average Potter fan. I didn't just enjoy the books and share them with my kids. I've read each book at least 7 times. My copy of Order of the Phoenix still has post-its riddling the pages from the months that I spent in an online reading group discussing the clues and literary devices that Jo used. And yes, I refer to the well-known author as she requested her fans to do-- as "Jo".

When my daughter was 4, my most proud "mommy moment" was when she pointed her finger at my mother-in-law and shouted "Silencio!" (My mother-in-law laughed after I explained what the spell did.) Here's a photo of the same daughter sporting her Dark Mark tattoo:

As many folks did, I attended the midnight release party for Deathly Hallows. But I drove home with tears in my eyes while clutching my copy, because it marked the end of an era. The next morning my deluxe copy was waiting in my mailbox (pre-ordered from Amazon the day it was available). And they now sit on my bookshelf next to the Bloomsbury "adult" version of Half-Blood Prince that I had shipped from the UK.

I not only signed up my kids and I to attend a Harry Potter conference that came to Philadelphia, I signed up within the first two weeks that the conference was announced (nine months early) because I browse fansites daily. And, I wasn't just an attendee. I volunteered to organize the opening and closing feasts and created and ran the Tri-Wizard Tournament. While there I was very proud of my oldest daughter who was chosen to compete (for our "House") in the Jeopardy-style trivia contest because she had the most questions correct on her qualifying quiz for her age group. And I was shocked when my name was announced as the adult contestant for our House! (No-- I didn't win, but I did get to meet the guys who run Mugglenet and their weekly podcast, Mugglecast!-- that's like meeting the Beatles to Harry Potter fans....)

So, now you understand why I call myself "obsessed."

The question is why. I was never the type to be such a fan. I didn't have a favorite rock group, movie, or celebrity when I was a teenager. There was no precedent for me to become obsessed over anything.

I was given the Harry Potter books for Christmas in 2003 (at the time only 5 had been published). Reading became an escape from my mommy duties ( the girls were ages 2 and 4). I quickly became swept up into the world of Hogwarts, and read all five within a month. Then I started to re-read them, because I wasn't ready to leave the wizarding world. I remember the day that I googled Harry Potter. I didn't know about "fandoms" or news blogs or fanfiction. Wow-- what I found online that day changed my life.

What draws me to the books is the warm characters, the universal themes, the humor and the darkness, the mysteries, the complexity of so many subplots woven together seamlessly, and last but not least, how the books celebrate motherhood. Yes, I've used many references from HP while parenting. What a great way to describe that gray area between good and evil: Dolores Umbridge. And how about explaining ethnic cleansing to an eight year old.... The sorting hat is a wonderful device to explain how we often categorize people but that unity makes us stronger. And Dumbledore provides many pearls of wisdom: "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities" (from Chamber of Secrets) and "It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends" (from Sorcerer's Stone). Not to mention all of the fabulous Latin roots that are used for spells through the books!

I am tickled every time I hear that educators are using the books, from elementary to college-level. There were wonderful discussions at Enlightening led by scholars (most of the presenters had PhDs and many were Ivy League graduates): including "Harry Potter and the Denial of Due Process" (taught by a law professor), "Motherhood in the HP Canon", a class on psychological processes represented in the books, and a discussion about the global perspective : how HP engages people from diverse cultural and ethnic backgrounds. Several weeks ago I found this article (warning: it contains spoilers for anyone who hasn't read the books) about a freshman seminar being taught at Swarthmore College. The article also states:

"This is one of several "Harry Potter"-themed courses being taught on a collegiate level throughout the country — and not all of them are in English departments. Yale has one that uses "Harry Potter" as a prism for theology. Georgetown uses the story to look at international relations. Frostburg State University in Maryland employs the series to teach Physical Science 100. And more classes just keep popping up."

So, now I'm not so embarrassed by my obsession. I feel validated by others who aren't just reading the books to their children at bedtime.

And, I can now share with you that my first thought on Halloween morning will be ~~"Happy Birthday, Harry!"~~

EDIT: D'oh! Janey brought to my attention that I must've lost my mind-- perhaps I can blame it on inhaling too much Lysol (see The Clarity of Night if you want to hear about the state of the Evans household....) Harry's birthday is July 31st, just like Jo's. Halloween is the day that Voldemort murdered his parents. So I'll just have a moment of silence for Lily and James.

Individuation (Personality Talk, part 6)

2008-10-21T23:40:00.004-04:00

(image courtesy of teamtechnology.co.uk)

I think I just stumbled upon the best part of personality theory! It explains so much in my life (remember, I'm an idealist: always searching for meaning!)

The theorists postulate that we prefer our dominant cognitive process by the time we're 12 years old. Then, through a process they call individuation (which you and I would probably call growth), we develop our second function by age 20, the third by 25, and the fourth by 50. And lastly, the four "shadow processes" may emerge after age 50 for some people (which can result in more balance and confidence). This developmental timeline is just a guideline. It is similar to physical development-- not all babies sit unassisted at 6 months or walk at 12 months, those are just norms or guidelines. Each individual grows at their own pace.

When we start gaining skill in each process, we become drawn to activities that will provide practice and lead to growth. For example, people who are beginning to develop Se (extraverted sensing--a perceiving process that involves taking in data through the five senses and attending to the here and now) may start doing activities that increase sensory stimulation. Perhaps they'll try new foods or suddenly take up a new hobby or sport such as surfing or hiking. Likewise, people who are developing their Fe (extraverted feeling) may start becoming interested in situations where they can interact with others, perhaps they'll seek new friendships or host a party.

So as I was reading this theory, I began to ponder my own type development. As an INFJ, my dominant process is Ni (introverted intuiting). That's the process that finds meanings in relationships and connections. It's a way of structuring one's understanding of the world. And it often is expressed as a feeling of just "knowing" something is a certain way or that something will happen, without being able to explain it in words. I remember at age eight "knowing" that I was different than other kids. I could "see" in my mind's eye how all the people in my life were connected to me and to each other. I "knew" how a schoolmate would react to another child when the other was behaving in a way that was typical of them. I was reserved and shy (introverted) so my teachers didn't notice me, except for the fact that I was an excellent student. When our school district started a gifted program, none of the teachers identified me for testing. I observed who was chosen, and who tested into the program. I "knew" I belonged there too, so I went home one day and told my parents simply that I should be in the gifted program. Thankfully, they were supportive and they hired a psychologist to come to my home to administer the testing. Sure enough, I made it! I now see how all of these moments in my childhood are related to my Ni function.

My second function is Fe (extroverted feeling). Well, that fits perfectly with my personal history. During my teen years I was working hard to overcome my shyness. I developed a close circle of friends, became a cheerleader (not what you'd expect from an introvert!), joined various school clubs, and loved family gatherings.

My third function is Ti (introverted thinking). Hmmm… again, as I look back at the years between 20 and 25, I see how my developing Ti shaped my activities. I became a healthcare professional which required a bit of diagnostic skill (definitely a Ti task!) I spent hours doing crossword puzzles, and fell in love with logic problems. And, last but not least, I married a man whose dominant function is Ti! (Is this weird or what?!)

Now at 40, according to the theory, I should be developing my 4th function: Se (extraverted sensing). Interestingly, the 4th function is very important for balancing the dominant function in all types. Types who have a dominant T function (either Ti or Te) need to balance that with the F function that is their 4th process. Dominant F types have a T as their 4th. Types that have a dominant N, have an S function as their 4th, etc.

The 4th function, therefore, presents a way of thinking that is almost opposite from a person's dominant process for most of their life. So, people will start to be interested in activities that may seem entirely "out of character". And look at when this happens-- sometime before age 50! Doesn't that sound eerily similar to what we call midlife crisis?! Wow! So, what has been happening in my life? I've started living in the present. I developed a fascination (Jason calls it an obsession) with Harry Potter. I started dressing up for Halloween for the first time in 15 years (I blamed it on the age of my girls and the obligations of parenthood, but truthfully, that was just an excuse-- I wanted to have fun!) I don't think my actions present as the radical change that looks like a midlife crisis, but that may be because my Se process started developing in childhood. I grew up with a twin brother who (I believe) has a secondary Se function. His influence led me to embrace the way of thinking that is Se when I was younger.
Which brings me to the last point about Individuation. Life circumstances can affect your development pattern. During childhood, the following situations can alter the development of processes:

You received negative feedback when using your dominant process.

A non-preferred function was necessary to survive family life (e.g., dealing with an alcoholic or abusive parent)

You received positive feedback for using non-preferred functions.

A job requires extensive use of non-preferred functions.

Parenting requires extensive use of non-preferred functions.

If you know your personality type (you are quite certain based on resonance with the type descriptions), can you see a pattern to your growth in the cognitive processes preferred by your type? And how about that midlife crisis theory-- does emergence of cognitive processes explain it? Perhaps we can better understand our spouses, friends, and family members when they suddenly start acting out of character. (Jason-- I'm on to you, dear!)

(back to part 5)
(on to part 7)

Conjunction Junction, What's Your Function?

2008-10-13T22:30:00.004-04:00

No, I'm not blogging about the grammar rules that were so effectively drilled into my generation by Schoolhouse Rock. Though I did enjoy those ditties….

No, today I'm continuing my Personality Talk series by talking about the eight cognitive functions that are the basis of the 16-type personality theory. As I said before, each type is not simply the expression of the four functions (or preferences) that the four letter code implies. So, an INTP is not simply an introverted version of an ENTP. And an ESFJ is not simply an ESTJ that uses feeling to make decisions. There is a more complex underlying interaction that the four preferences represent.

The base of the theory is that there are eight cognitive processes (sometimes called functions) or ways of thinking. Everyone uses all eight, but we tend to prefer some over others. Think about how you first react (or your natural inclination) to a situation or when you need to make a decision. The theory says that we tend to use a few of these processes more automatically than the others.

The eight functions are:

Extraverted Sensing (Se)-- experiencing the physical world, enjoying taking action, recognizing "what is" rather than what "could be"

Introverted Sensing (Si)-- comparing the current situation to a remembered one, reviewing past experiences, recalling stored impressions

Extraverted Intuiting (Ne)-- noticing hidden meanings in the world and interpreting them

Introverted Intuiting (Ni)-- looking inward to foresee the future, conceptualizing new ways of seeing things, envisioning transformations

Extraverted Thinking (Te)-- segmenting, logically organizing people and situations, contingency planning and scheduling

Introverted Thinking (Ti)-- evaluating according to principles and whether something fits the framework or model, seeking precision through clarifying definitions

Extraverted Feeling (Fe)-- connecting, expressing appreciation for others, considering and accommodating others

Introverted Feeling (Fi)-- evaluating the importance and worth of something based on one's own values, clarifying values

Each of the 16 personality types can be defined by the hierarchical pattern of their preferred cognitive processes. For example, the dominant process of an INFJ is Ni, followed by Fe, Ti, and Se (the other four processes are weaker and called "shadow processes.") A chart of the processes used by each personality type can be found here (scroll down for the chart.)

Here is a fun example of the eight functions in action. Given the situation that you are considering building a fence, what is your first thought or reaction? (Disclaimer: this list can be found on various websites, I don't know who the author is.)

The Eight Functions and Fence-Building

Se - I want to decorate the fence and make sure that it looks stylish and appealing.
Si - I’ll take care of looking at the instructions and making sure that we follow the established guidelines.
Ne - I want to design the fence.
Ni - Why do they want to do this and what is the deal with fences anyway? Is this necessary?
Te - Is doing this cost effective? Will it be useful?
Ti - I want to analyze the structure and placement of the fence.
Fe - How will it affect the neighborhood, and what will the neighbors think?
Fi - I want it to be my own special fence that I can share with others over time.

Here is another example (from Understanding Yourself and Others by Linda V. Berens and Dario Nardi).

How do you decide what to wear?

Se - Notice what is available, try on a few things to see how they look.
Si - Remember the last time you wore an outfit and how you felt then.
Ne - Think about the meaning of an outfit, what it may communicate to others.
Ni - Envision yourself in the outfit and perhaps seeing yourself being a certain way.
Te - Sort through colors and styles, consider consequences such as "since I have to stand all day…."
Ti - Analyze options using principles such as comfort, or "red is a power color."
Fe - Consider what would be appropriate for the situation.
Fi - Evaluate whether you like an outfit or not, does it suit you and feel right?

Can you identify what your dominant function is (remember, you probably use several functions when making a decision, but what is your first thought or automatic reaction)? Does it match the dominant process of your personality type?

(on to part 6)
(back to part 4)

Setting the Mood

2008-10-06T09:30:00.000-04:00

Do you set the mood? No, I don't mean with candles, flowers, and soft music. I don't mean setting the mood for others. I'm talking about consciously setting your internal mood.

When I was entering my teen years, my Dad habitually woke my brother and I with his rendition of the bugle song: "Oh how I hate to get up in the morning! Oh, how I'd rather remain in bed…" At some point in those teen years I remember thinking what a stupid song that was to start the day with. I didn't want to begin the day hating the fact that I was awake. So I began a habit of singing my own tune in my mind. The first was:

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh my, what a wonderful day
Plenty of sunshine headin' my way
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay

(It's impossible to sing that song without smiling-- I dare you to try.) Later, when my obsession with the Beatles began, this was my wake-up song:

I also ended each day by listing in my mind all the people who I was most grateful for. Granted, the list was recited by rote memory, but nevertheless, it worked. I always fell asleep with a sense of belonging and peace because I felt fortunate to have people to love.

Sometime as I was entering adulthood, getting married, and finishing my education, I stopped. I no longer set the mood. In the early years of my career I tried to affect a similar start to the morning. As I believe happens with most professions, the first year or so was particularly challenging because my clinical skills were still developing. So starting the day on a positive note was essential. I remember creating a positive mood with little details. Perhaps I had a new pair of socks to wear, or a favorite cereal that I hadn't bought in some time. Sometimes I would treat myself to a cup of tea (which I didn't usually leave time for). Or I would look forward to something planned later in the day. Then, as my career became second nature, those efforts fell away.

Now as I reflect on my past, I marvel at how wise I was during my teen years. (Oh no! Does that mean that I'm developing backwards?! Ha!) How lucky we are to be human. Really! We can change our mood consciously. We can turn on the brain chemistry that makes us feel good by simply having a thought. We don't have to react to our environment. We can create our environment.

So, do you set the mood? What works for you?

Satisfaction

2008-09-30T15:30:00.000-04:00

And I have to say it now
It's been a good life all in all
It's really fine
To have a chance to hang around
And lie there by the fire
And watch the evening tire
While all my friends and my old lady
Sit and pass the pipe around

And talk of poems and prayers and promises
And things that we believe in
How sweet it is to love someone
How right it is to care
How long it's been since yesterday
And what about tomorrow
And what about our dreams
And all the memories we share

~~ Poems, Prayers, and Promises by John Denver

When I was nine, my babysitter gave me a 45 (that's a record, for those of you born after 1985) of John Denver's Take Me Home, Country Roads (apparently I sang it so often she got annoyed….) On the flip side was a little song called Poems, Prayers, and Promises. I remember sitting in my basement playroom the first time I listened to that song. At the ripe old age of nine, I sat with tears streaming down my face, reveling in the profundity and wisdom of John's message. It is a good life after all. And I promised myself that I would never allow life's challenges to cloud that perspective.

Now, in midlife, I still tear up when I listen. Because there are so many people who aren't happy despite what they have. Why are we so easily dissatisfied? Interestingly, a study was done in the late 70's in which accident victims, lottery winners, and a control group were polled on their life satisfaction. They found that after an initial period of adjustment (which was marked by elation for the lottery winners and depression for the paraplegics) they returned to their usual level of happiness. In other words, those who accepted and found positives in life beforehand, continued to do so. And complainers continued to be complainers.

I've recently found two new pearls of wisdom in The Science of Happiness by Stefan Klein, PhD. First, it's not enough to be happy-- we need to be aware of our happiness. My mother always said we need to count our blessings… science now says that she was right (LOL-- don't tell her that… she already says "told you so" more often than I'd like.) An Italian psychiatrist developed "Well-Being Therapy" to use with depressed patients. He asked them to keep a happiness diary in which they described in detail any happy moment in their day as well as their feelings. It was very successful-- after ten weeks their depression had lifted. When we keep track of positive moments our attention is brought to what makes us happy. And putting it in writing prevents our brain from diminishing the moment or dismissing the happiness later.

And the other bit I learned is that we are programmed to want everything (ack!-- we're doomed!). And, of most interest, the anticipation of something is far more powerful than the pleasure when we receive it. Apparently, when a reward is in sight, certain dopamine neurons fire like crazy so we experience pleasure. This was first demonstrated with monkeys, and later with humans. Monkeys were given apples. The sight of the apples started the neurons firing. Then, researchers lit a lamp before presenting the apples. Soon, the neurons started firing when the lamp was lit. But when an apple was offered, the neurons stopped firing. It's not the reward, but the expectation that gives us pleasure. So, we could lead a perfect life and still be unhappy… because we get bored. It seems to me that the best way to prevent this is to add variety to our lives. Studies have also shown that we don't have to increase the stimulation or constantly feel the need to raise the bar, because the memory of our expectation response isn't very long. Instead, we just need to rotate our sources of pleasure. (In other words, don't get into a rut!) Happiness doesn't come from getting something new. It comes from spicing up what we already have.

So go put a new spin on an old activity, surprise someone you love, try something that you haven't done in years. Maybe we can create happiness with what is already in our lives.

Personality talk, part 4

2008-09-25T21:24:00.003-04:00

So, now you have discovered your "type" (go back to Personality Talk, part 2, if you are just joining us). The description is remarkably resonant with you. You are amazed that someone else has described you so accurately. (If you don't feel this way, you probably haven't found your true type yet-- keep searching!)

Now what? Obviously, knowing one's strengths and weaknesses is essential to set goals for personal growth, defining a self identity, and understanding why there are patterns in your behavior. I had fun discovering how much of "me" is related to my personality type. But I also had a surprise discovery. When I started reading about other types, I learned that there are ways of thinking or reacting to the world that I would never have conceived on my own (and I thought I had a pretty good understanding of people….)

In 1978, David Keirsey published Please Understand Me (and twenty years later, Please Understand Me II). He divided the 16 types (which he also ascribed descriptive names) into four Temperaments based on observable behaviors and viewpoints. Keirsey's four Temperaments are:

SP Artisans
(ISTP-crafter, ISFP-composer, ESTP-promoter, ESFP-performer)

SJ Guardians
(ISTJ-inspector, ISFJ-protector, ESTJ-supervisor, ESFJ-provider)

NF Idealists
(INFP-healer, INFJ-counselor, ENFP-champion, ENFJ-teacher)

NT Rationals
(INTP-architect, INTJ-mastermind, ENTP-inventor, ENTJ-fieldmarshal)

As an INFJ, I read the Idealist description and found myself nodding. Jason, an INTP, felt a resonance with the chapter about Rationals. The beauty of Keirsey's book is that he demonstrates the contrasts between temperaments in simple, but very effective ways. For example, in his chapter on mating he observes that each Temperament has a different style or goal in what they want from a mate. Artisans want a playmate, Guardians want a helpmate, Idealists want a soulmate, and Rationals want a mindmate. Here are a few more traits of each temperament for comparison:

Artisans
value being: excited
aspire to be: virtuoso
trust: impulses
seek: stimulation
yearn for: impact
self-esteem comes from being: artistic
feel confident when being: adaptable

Guardians
value being: concerned
aspire to be: executive
trust: authority
seek: security
yearn for: belonging
self-esteem comes from being: dependable
feel confident when being: respectable

Idealists
value being: enthusiastic
aspire to be: sage
trust: intuition
seek: identity
yearn for: romance
self-esteem comes from being: empathetic
feel confident when being: authentic

Rationals
value being: calm
aspire to be: wizard
trust: reason
seek: knowledge
yearn for: achievement
self-esteem comes from being: ingenious
feel confident when being: resolute

Wow! Now we can begin to understand each other better! No wonder Jason looks at me like I'm a dork when I say things will work out because "I just know they will." I trust intuition, he trusts reason. And you can just imagine how my yearning for romance and his yearning for achievement play out… ;) My parents are both Guardians, so Jason and I now understand when their trust of authority clashes with our points of view. And, gosh, I thought everyone knew what having a soulmate means... man, was I wrong! Learning how differently people view life has helped me understand others' behaviors, values, and motives when they differ from mine. As a typical idealist, I've always wondered why we can't all just get along. Now I've got some tools… mwah, ha, ha, ha… (remember, I am a counselor!).

Let me know if there are questions you'd like me to answer or ideas you'd like me to address in a future post about personality type.

(on to part 5)
(back to part 3)

Personality Talk, part 3

2008-09-24T00:15:00.002-04:00

Wow-- I'm amazed at the level of interest that this has sparked in all of you (I'm giddy with excitement! I love this stuff!) There is so much to share, so many questions to answer. I'll start by answering some of the more specific questions that you raised in this post. Then, later this week, I'll continue with my original plan of discussing David Keirsey's work and how he expanded our understanding of the Myers-Briggs types.

First, I want to say that no type is "better" than any other. We are all capable of using all of the functions, we simply tend to be more comfortable with certain approaches, and therefore have preferences in how we gather information, get energy, and make decisions.

Second, I have only shared the basics of the underlying theory. The four functions interact with each other in complex ways to create each type. So, an ISTP is not simply an introverted version of ESTP. If you delve deeper into the theory you'll discover that there are terms such as "shadow types" and "dominant, secondary, and tertiary functions." Each type uses the iNtuiting, Sensing, Thinking, and Feeling functions in different situations for different reasons. A scholar must understand how all of these preferences interact before they can write the wonderful descriptions of each type that amaze us.

Can one's type change?
No. I believe that we develop preferences in the way we process the world by young adulthood (if we are not in fact born with preferences-- that's still up for debate). These preferences form our personality type. It is the way we feel most comfortable when relating to others, making decisions, and thinking about our world. As we grow and have new experiences we may learn to use the less comfortable functions more easily. Our family background and careers often facilitate such growth. A "J" type who has "P" parents will learn to be more flexible and spontaneous to avoid discord. A physician who is an "F" type may need to develop their "T" function in order to succeed in medical school. But, our preferences don't change. It works much like physical preferences. A left-handed person can learn to use his right hand very competently, but he will always prefer the left-- it always feels more natural.

Why do I get so many different results when I take the tests?
That is the limitation of free online tests. The best way to determine your type is to go to someone who is certified to administer the MBTI. Second best is to read descriptions of all the types that are one letter removed from your test result to eliminate any other possibilities, and gain a deeper understanding of the theory so that you can discover your natural preferences. Asking others how they see you sometimes offers more accurate insight into your preferences.

Are there certain types that get along better or form more stable relationships?
As you can imagine, this is one of the hot topics on personality type forums. I've read scholars who say opposites attract (INFJ and ESTP, for example). Others say that people with similar temperaments make the best matches. And some even cite studies that the most frequent marriages are between Artisans and Guardians or Rationals and Idealists (these are Keirsey's terms, I'll explain them in the next post). But-- I believe that two people of any type can work well together. They simply need to understand and accept their differences. I found a book (Just Your Type, by Paul Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger) that pairs each type with the others and gives pointers on the "joys" and "frustrations" of each match as well as "how to reach your (insert personality type) partner."

If anyone has specific questions about your type, please email me at aineevans@yahoo.com. I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I do have books that may prove helpful.

I'll leave you with some type humor (source: Doug Bates.) Isn't there always some truth in humor?

Illusions of the Unhealthy XXXX

ESTP - "I'm a stud and the world revolves around me"
ISTP - "I can make anything work"
ENTP - "I can come up with a solution for anything"
INTP - "I'm brilliant and you'd better bow to my genius"
ESTJ - "I am in control"
ISTJ - "I do everything right"
ENTJ - "I am all-powerful"
INTJ - "I am all-knowing"
ESFP - "I am the most glamorous"
ISFP - "Nobody has better taste than I do"
ENFP - "I have the most enthusiasm"
INFP - "I have the most sensitive conscience"
ESFJ - "Everyone likes me and wants to be like me"
ISFJ - "Nobody can get along without me"
ENFJ - "I can teach anyone anything"
INFJ - "I have the best intentions"

Epitaphs

ESTJ Be back next year with flowers!
ISTJ Forever on time
ESFJ Arranged my own funeral
ISFJ Wish I could still help
ESTP Well, *this* is boring
ISTP Build a better coffin
ESFP Where did everybody go?
ISFP Smell a flower for me
ENTJ Whoever did this, I'll get you one day
INTJ *Now* try telling me what to do!
ENTP Death is being out of options
INTP Talk about "analysis paralysis"
ENFJ Another opportunity for learning
INFJ The ultimate clarity
ENFP Catch you on the flip side
INFP Eternal harmony

(on to part 4)
(back to part 2)

Personality Talk, part 2

2008-09-10T11:22:00.003-04:00

So many of you responded positively to part 1 (thank you!) that I couldn't put off part 2 any longer. As promised, let's explore what personality type each of us is. First, the theory in a nutshell. If you're not the type (pun intended) that gets into theory discussions, scroll down to the links for online tests. I'm focusing my discussion on the most widely used theory-- the Myers-Briggs Types.

Carl Jung developed a personality typology to classify the way people deal with the world. He first defined the distinction between introversion and extraversion. Then he theorized that there are four functions or ways to process our world: sensing, intuiting, feeling, and thinking. We all can use these "tools", but we tend to prefer one or two over the others.

In 1962, Katharine Briggs and her daughter Isabel Briggs Myers developed the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) based on Jung's typology. They placed Jung's four functions into two dichotomies: sensing vs. intuiting and feeling vs. thinking, included Jung's introversion vs. extraversion observation, and they added a new dichotomy: judging vs. perceiving. Each function is represented by a letter.

introversion(I) vs. extraversion (E) : preference for how and where you get your energy

These functions refer to the way a person is energized. An Extravert draws energy from outside themselves, from people, activities, and things. They tend to be action-oriented and their energy declines when they are inactive. An Introvert draws energy from an inner world of ideas, emotions, and impressions. They tend to be thought-oriented and need time to reflect to renew their energy.

intuiting (N) vs. sensing (S) : preference for what you pay attention to when you are gathering information

These are the information gathering functions. A person who prefers Sensing focuses on what actually exists, paying attention to their five senses. They like concrete facts and details, and find meaning in the data. A person who prefers iNtuiting gathers information from internal sources such as insights or a sixth sense, and they focus on future possibilities. They like information that is abstract or theoretical. And they derive meaning from how information relates to a pattern or theory.

feeling (F) vs. thinking (T) : preference for what system you use to make decisions

The decision-making functions are both used to make rational decisions based on information gathered in their preferred way (iNtuiting or Sensing). Those who prefer Thinking use a logical, objective approach. They decide things from a detached viewpoint, using reason, logic, and sets of rules. A person who prefers the Feeling function makes decisions based on emotions and value systems. They make associations, consider the needs of others, and empathize with a situation to achieve balance, harmony, and consensus.

judging (J) vs. perceiving (P) : preference for lifestyle

These functions refer to how you relate to the outside world. Judging types like a planned, organized life. They show the world their 3rd function (Feeling or Thinking). So TJ types appear logical, while FJs appear empathetic. Perceiving types, on the other hand, prefer to live in a more spontaneous and flexible way. They show the world their 2nd function (iNtuiting or Sensing). So SP types appear concrete, while NP types appear abstract.

That's the basics. When you take a personality test, your preference for each of the functions is determined and your type is determined by the four-letter code (ESFJ, INTP, etc…)

TIPS FOR TAKING A PERSONALITY TEST

The MBTI must be administered by a trained tester. However, there are several free tests online that I have found to be reliable. Before you start a test, here are a few tips:

- Choose the answer that reflects your most comfortable response or first instinct. Sometimes it's helpful to think about how you would have answered the question when you were 20 years old (our personality type is most pure during young adulthood). As we age we strengthen our weaknesses, so we may not choose to act in our preferred, natural way.

- Take several tests to see if you get the same type consistently

- When you get your results, read several descriptions of your type and read several descriptions of types that are one letter off. In most cases, when you find the one that fits, you'll know it.

Here's a few online tests:

1. HumanMetrics test
2. Skeletus test
3. Similar Minds test

Oh, and I promised some predictions. I expect the majority of you will be "IN" types. Let's see if my "inner eye" has clarity...

(on to part 3)
(back to part 1)

Personality Talk, part 1

2008-09-10T10:05:00.019-04:00

I only want you to see
My favorite part of me
And not my ugly side
Not my ugly side

So calm... and now it's dark
I look for you to light my heart
I'm in between the moon and where you are
I know... I can't be far

~Ugly Side, by Blue October

Though this song is about the fear of vulnerability, the last stanza reminded me of how much personality type can affect our relationships. How often do we feel that struggle to connect with another? When understanding seems to be mutual, yet you sense a faint misinterpretation? As if the other person came from a parallel planet where everything looks the same but something just feels off. Or perhaps you both reach the same conclusions, but the path to get there is strikingly different.

These differences in two seemingly compatible people fascinate me. We are all human, yet the way our brain works can be very different. We each have a unique perspective, a unique way of processing our world.

Or do we? According to leading personality theories, there are just 16 "types." Whoa! I'm not unique? Actually, each of us is unique because of our rich experiences and memories. But the way our brain deals with the world, makes decisions, and decides on actions is shared by others of the same "type."

When two people of the same type come together they speak the same language. They understand each other's way of thinking. But, they are limited by their shared type--they don't have the opportunity to learn a new perspective from each other. And I can tell you from personal experience, there is nothing more eye-opening and exciting than suddenly seeing the world from a new perspective. A perspective that you were previously unable to even conceive of, let alone understand.

Want to know more? I'm going to continue this as an ongoing series. In the next personality post I'll invite you to discover your "type" and share it with us-- I have a few predictions regarding that....

(PS-- If any of you recognized that song from Stephenie Meyers' playlist... yes I am a Twilight fan also!)

(on to part 2)

Basics of Type Theory

2008-09-09T00:00:00.000-04:00

Rather than trying to draw a picture of each personality's characteristics (which would be an endless job, since each person truly is unique), type theory looks at how our brains work. Quite simply, we take in data (through our senses) and make a decision about what to do with that data. That's it. Our day is an endless stream of noticing stuff and deciding what to do with it.

This morning I became aware I was awake and noticed a beeping sound. I decided to turn off the alarm clock. Seeing the time, I decided I needed to get out of bed. I noticed the cold air and decided to put on sweatpants. You get the picture. Each moment we are doing one of these two processes: taking in information or making a decision.

What's fun about humans is that we have different ways of doing these cognitive processes. Two ways of gathering data, and two methods of decision making. We are all capable of using all of the processes (and we choose which to use in any given situation), but we all prefer one way of gathering data and one method of decision making. These cognitive preferences are hard-wired, just like physical dominance (as in right-handed or left-handed.)

Methods of gathering data:

Sensing (S)-- preferring to pay attention to information that comes from the outside, data that we gather through our 5 senses, tangibles, reality. Noticing "what is".

Intuiting (N)-- preferring to pay attention to information that comes from inside us, such as gut feelings, seeing possibilities, connections, patterns, or noticing "what could be".

Methods of decision making:

Thinking (T)-- making a decision based on logic, reasoning, a set of principles or objective criteria.

Feeling (F)-- making a decision based on feelings, values, what is important.

The "type code" is comprised of four letters. The second letter reflects our method of gathering data (either S or N). The third letter denotes our decision making preference (either T or F). To complete the type code we identify two "attitudes" which describe how we get energy and how we prefer to live our life. The first letter of the code reflects our preferred energy source and the fourth letter is our lifestyle attitude.

Energizing attitude:

Introverting (I)-- gets energy from within. Stimulated by ideas, emotions, and impressions. Usually needs alone time to recharge. Interactions with others tend to drain energy. Prefer to process and think alone, then will share results and conclusions.

Extraverting (E)-- gets energy from outside the self. Stimulated by people, activities, and things. Likes to be involved, gets restless when alone too long. Tend to think out loud, often doing their best thinking when brainstorming with others.

Lifestyle attitude:

Judging (J)-- prefers planning, structure, and order. Is more comfortable after a decision is made.

Perceiving (P)-- prefers spontaneity and being flexible. Is more comfortable when options are kept open.

Type Dynamics
Now here's the less understood part of type theory. The four letters interact with each other. So an ISFP isn't simply an introverted version of an ESFP. The attitudes (first and last letter of the code) tell us which cognitive process is our dominant.

I'll break this down using my own code, INFJ. The lifestyle attitude (J or P) tells us which cognitive function (data gathering or decision making) we project externally (what others see.) So, J's extravert their preferred decision making process (Thinking or Feeling), P's extravert their data gathering process (Sensing or iNtuiting). As a J, my decision making process (F) is extraverted. Which means my data gathering process (N) is introverted. So, Fe and Ni are my preferred processes. To determine which is dominant, we turn to my energizing attitude. I'm an I, so the introverted function is my dominant (Ni) and Fe is my "auxiliary function." Intraverting types don't show their dominant process to the outer world. Extraverting types display their dominant function (which explains why they feel so comfortable when interacting with others.)

So, we now know that Ni and Fe are my preferred ways of gathering information and making decisions. But we all use all four functions (S, N, T, and F). So can we determine my relative skill in using the others? Yes-- the fourth or "inferior function" is always the opposite of the dominant. So my fourth is extraverted Sensing (Se), leaving the third position to be T. There is disagreement in the attitude of the third function, but I tend to agree with the idea that it takes the attitude of the dominant. Therefore, my process hierarchy is Ni, Fe, Ti, Se.

Hi There

2008-09-08T09:24:00.001-04:00

Well, here I go. I'm just holding my breath and jumping in.

My first blog post.

I suppose I should start with the customary explanation of my blog's title and purpose. Isn't that how we introduce ourselves? Give our name and why we are here (often reciting our connection to others)?

Life is Beautiful was my motto in high school. My friends labeled me "the optomist" when it became clear that I always found the good in things. Some considered me naive-- they were watching in anticipation for the day to arrive that I would become jaded and cynical (just to prove that they weren't missing something in life, I believe....) One even teased me that I was the only person he knew who could find a reason to celebrate nuclear war, such as the idea that it would end world hunger (bet you can't guess which decade I was a teenager).

But I never questioned my outlook, because I knew that they were missing something. The ability to not just adapt, but to thrive. And they didn't understand the power of humanity: choice. We can choose how to label things around us. We can choose how we behave. We are not bound by instinctual reactions. I choose to focus on positives, and that creates happiness.

Why a blog? The usual: to share ideas, connect with others, gather my thoughts in one place so that I can read them again when my memory declines with age....

Oh, and my connection to others. My husband has been the Twilightkeeper over at The Clarity of Night for three years now. He brought me into this crazy blogosphere. Blame him. ;)

Phew! That wasn't so hard. To those of you who have read this far: Thank you! and Welcome! I hope you'll stay a while to enjoy sharing ideas.

And I hope you leave with a smile, because, after all-- life is beautiful!

The Clarity of Night Connection

2008-09-07T10:34:00.007-04:00

I am the resident night owl on the Clarity of Night blog where I occasionally collaborate with my husband, Jason Evans. We have two girls who bring unending joy and laughter to our otherwise normal suburban life. Visit The Clarity of Night, and you may find more bits of me woven into the verbal paintings that Jason creates.